Wednesday, December 17, 2014

Get to know Kim Jong-Un

Thanks to the cowardice of American theater chains and international media conglomerate Sony Entertainment, Kim Jong-Un and the turd-blossoms who service him in North Korea have been put in charge of what you may and may not consume in mass media.

As a public service announcement, NUELOW Games wants to introduce you to the pudgy little assclown who is the new global guardian of Right and Wrong.

If you want to use Kim Jong-Un as a character in your ROLF! games, click here to see a post featuring stats for the legend himself!

Tuesday, December 16, 2014

THE Unauthorized Adaptation of 'The Interview'

The turd-eating bastards who hacked Sony's computer's have issued a threat of violence against theaters that screen The Interview. The threat (via Variety) is as follows:


We will clearly show it to you at the very time and places “The Interview” be shown, including the premiere, how bitter fate those who seek fun in terror should be doomed to.
Soon all the world will see what an awful movie Sony Pictures Entertainment has made.
The world will be full of fear.
Remember the 11th of September 2001.
We recommend you to keep yourself distant from the places at that time.
(If your house is nearby, you’d better leave.)
Whatever comes in the coming days is called by the greed of Sony Pictures Entertainment.
All the world will denounce the SONY.

More to come…

While Sony's lawyers are too busy suing news outlets for covering the leaks of emails, film scripts, and personal information about the studio's employees and contractors, we here at NUELOW Games are proud to present the ROLF! Adaptation of The Interview.

After you go see the film on opening night--because you're not going to let some fucking terrorists scare you into not seeing a movie, right... you're not even going to give them the satisfaction of claiming they scared you away, right?--you can relive the film or make up your own adventures using ROLF!: The Rollplaying Game of Big Dumb Fighters and these characters.

By Steve Miller 
(Characters Used Without Permission... or it wouldn't be unauthorized)

Brawn 5, Body 7, Brains 3
  Traits: Improv Master
  Combat Maneuvers: Basic Attack, Murderous Mitts, Strike Pose
  Important Stuff Worn/Wielded: Snazzy Uniform (Armor. Absorbs 1 point of damage). Outrageous Hairdo (Provides a -1 modifier to Strike Pose ATT checks)

Brawn 11, Body 14, Brains 5
  Traits: Cowardly, Improv Master
  Combat Maneuvers: Basic Attack, Dodge, Run Away, Strike Pose, Withering Insult
  Important Stuff Worn/Wielded: Pistol (Small Ranged Weapon, Four shots. Deals 2 points of damage that ignore armor)

Brawn 12, Body 11, Brains 6
  Traits: Improv Master, Nimble
  Combat Maneuvers: Basic Attack, Debate Philosophy, Double Strike, Disarm, Dodge, Seduce
  Important Stuff Worn/Wielded: Pistol (Small Ranged Weapon. Four Shots. Deals 2 points of damage that ignore armor)

Brawn 14, Body 14, Brains 8
  Traits: Coldblooded, Dead-Eye
  Combat Maneuvers: Basic Attack, Disarm, Disembowel, Double Strike, Murderous Mitts, Seduce, Strike Pose, Sure Shot
  Important Stuff Worn/Wielded: Spy Gadgets (Two Small Weapons, each deals 2 points of damage, Melee OR Ranged)

SOOK (Female)
Brawn 15 (Includes +1 Hat Bonus), Body 15, Brains 6
  Traits: Improv Master, Nimble
  Combat Maneuvers: Backflip, Basic Attack, Castrate, Disarm, Dodge, Murderous Mitts\
  Important Stuff Worn/Wieded: Snazzy North Korean Military Uniform (Clothes, Thigh-High Boots (Armor, absorbs 1 point of damage), Uniform Cap (Hat, provides +1 Brawn while worn)

And for good measure, a bonus character!

Brawn 18, Body 15, Brains 3
  Traits: Too Sexy for My Shirt, Nimble
  Combat Maneuvers: Basic Attack, Signature Move, Run Away
  Important Stuff Worn/Wielded: Massive Dildo (Medium Melee Weapon, deals 3 points of damage)

(For the record, we all here at NUELOW Central suspect this movie is absolute garbage. When the dickless wonders known to the worlds as the "Sony Hackers" say "soon the world will see what an awful movie Sony Entertainment Pictures has made," we believe them. But they've made sure that we will be going to see it. And we'll try to convince others to do the same. We knew that The Love Guru would suck, but we went to see that one, too. Look for Steve to post a review -- assuming it screens somewhere he can get to see it.)

Friday, December 12, 2014

A Very NUELOW Christmas!

We love Christmas here at NUELOW Central. We love Christmas music. We love having fun with Christmas (as our several Christmas Specials show) and we love music and art that has fun with Christmas. And they don't get much more fun than this...

(No game content or plugs this time around... just a post in anticipation of Christmas! Because we love this time of year! [And I particularly love this video because I always appreciate a good call-back.)

Thursday, December 11, 2014

Final word on 'Gamergate: The Card Game' and Onebookshelf

Last week, I expressed concern about the news that (the exclusive distributor of titles from NUELOW Games) appeared to have dropped a product from Postmortem Studios in response to pressure from another publisher. The product was Gamergate: The Card Game, which I talk a little about in this post.

Today, Onebookshelf's Steve Weick sent out an email (which was also posted to Facebook, so you can read it here) about the situation. For me, the most important statements in it were:

"Some publishers also complained about this title, and a few publishers let us know they would not be interested in continuing to work with us if we carried it on our store. We will not allow any publisher to dictate content policy onto any other publisher, explicitly or implicitly. If any publisher ever decides to discontinue business with us because our content policy errs to the side of being too open, rather than restrictive, then we will respect their decision to leave our marketplaces and wish them well. To be clear, no publishers’ comments had any bearing on our decision to discontinue.selling this title."

Good for Steve Weick and Onebookshelf.

A distributor has the right to carry whatever they please, for whatever reasons they please. And no publisher should try to use their business relationship with said distributor as a club to force them to drop products from other publishers.

I can't say I'm completely happy with the end result. My sympathies are with designer James Desborough, but I can't fault Onebookshelf for the decision or their reasons for taking the steps they took. I do fault ANY publisher who approached Onebookshelf in an official capacity and said "pull that, or we pull our products."

I am occasionally troubled by our all-ages comics appearing next to porn comics on the DriveThruComics homepage. But I would NEVER (even if I felt I had the clout) be the kind of jackass who writes to Onebookshelf with threats.

It makes me a little sad that in the industry I love, there are people who are the sort of thugs that do.

Wednesday, December 10, 2014

Are PDFs considered collectibles?

If so, there are some lucky people out there who own the soon-to-be super-rare The Three Lives of Fantomah: Book One and The Three Lives of Fantomah: Book Two.

An executive decision (inspired by artist Bradley K. McDevitt) was made to drop the Book X titling scheme and instead give the books proper subtitles. We're making the change in anticipation of the upcoming release of the book that would have been The Three Lives of Fantomah: Book Three but which is now going to be titled The Three Lives of Fantomah, Daughter of the Pharaohs instead. Here are the revised covers for the first two, followed by the sketch for the third book. (If you haven't checked out our Fantomah series and the cool OGL d20 variant magic rules within them, now would be a great tme.)

Cover art by Richard Case & Fletcher Hanks

Cover art by Richard Case & Fletcher Hanks

Sketch by Bradley K. McDevitt

And if you already own the Fantomah books? Save those original versions somewhere safe. You nnever know... PDFs may just be collectible. Stranger things have happened.

Monday, December 8, 2014


... John Lennon, John Bonham, and Johnny Cash forming a band. Then throw in John Denver and John Philip Sousa. It would be the greatest assembly of musical Johns in this world or the next (well, except maybe They Might Be Giants).

Imagine all those Johns. It isn't hard if you know about NUELOW's re-issue/revision of Houseboat on the River Styx from yet another John -- John Kendrick Bangs. In fact, it would almost be expected, given that Bangs teamed Shakespeare and Sherlock Holmes, and we've previously published supplements that saw Abraham Lincoln join forces with John F. Kennedy to fight Adolf Hitler and Kim Jong Il.

ROLF!: Fugue for Johns in D Minor is a return to the misty land of Hades with another crazy mix of characters, in the land where deceased celebrities and historical figures have adventures with fictional characters. Click here for more information, to see previews of the product, and to get your very own copy.

Get some Stickers by Stan!

Talented cartoonist, game designer, writer, and all-around-great-guy Stan! is running a Kickstarter that is in its final hours -- it ends the evening of Tuesday, December 9. His goal is to make some of his fun art available as stickers and clip art.

Some of the Stickers by Stan!

One of the treats you can get for contributing a measly $3 is a selection of Stan! clip art cartoons! What's more, if you contribute $10, you get the clip art, a coloring book, and three sheets of stickers! So much Stan! goodness!

Christmas Stickers/Clip Art by Stan!

Click here for more information about the Kickstarter campaign and Stickers by Stan! We don't often plug Kickstarters, but everyone at NUELOW Games (all two of us!) are Stan! Fans, and if you aren't already, we're sure you will become one. (This Kickstarter should be of especially high interest to anyone who wants some fun illustrations for their website or e-Christmas letters this year... and for those with kids who at that age where everything needs to be adorned with stickers. Or if you're someone who never outgrew that phase...)