WHO KILLED THE EASTER BUNNY?
Roll 1d8 against each of the following tables to randomly generate the bones of a muder mystery!
WHERE WAS HE FOUND?
1. In the mulberry bushes.
2. Behind the garage.
3. In the garage.
4. Behind the strip club.
5. In the strip club.
6. At home, in his bedroom.
7. At home, in his bathroom.
8. In a seedy motel room.
HOW WAS HE KILLED?
1. Stabbed.
2. Electrocuted.
3. Multiple blows to the head.
4. Beaten to death.
5. Strangled.
6. Drowned.
7. Suffocated with Peeps.
8. Shot 1d8 times.
WHO KILLED HIM? (This is also a list of suspects.)
1. The Mall Santa.
2. The Playboy Bunny.
3. The Surly Teenager.
4. His Lover. (Roll an additional 1d8. 1-4 it’s his ex-lover.)
5. His Wife
6. The Christian Fanatic.
7. The Animal Rights Activist.
8. The Zoology Professor..
WHY WAS HE KILLED?
1. So he couldn’t reveal a dark secret to the world. (Roll on WHAT IS THE DARK SECRET? table.)
2. For sullying the true meaning of Easter.
3. Jealousy.
4. Revenge.
6. Hatred.
7. As a blood sacrifice to the goddesss Ishtar.
8. Roll again on this table. Both reasons apply for why he was killed. Ignore repeated results.
WHAT IS THE DARK SECRET?
1. Cadbury Eggs are filled with an alien substance designed to make humanity more pliable to mind control by alien invaders.
2. A cabal of Furries is working to prevent the Rapture.
3. A cabal of Mall Santas are planning to perform a massive, coordinated terrorist strike this Christmas.
4. His Wife is possessed by the spirit of the True Easter Bunny, and she will murder and eat three children this Easter.
5. He was working on a tell-all book that would reveal many, MANY dark secrets of Mall Santas, Easter Bunnies, and costumed sports mascots around the world.
6. The 1-2 Playboy Bunny, 3-4 Christian Fanatatic, 5-6 Animal Rights Activist, 7-8 Zoology Professor. is a Russian assassin, and his or her secret had to be protected.
7. Roll again on the WHO KILLED HIM? table. His death was supposed to be fake and the indicated person was to have been framed for his murder, but the killer took advantage of the plan and made the murder real.
8. He was the member of a Satanic cult, and every year, one cursed Easter egg would cause the child who found it to die (months or weeks later, seemingly by accident) and their soul to be devoured by Satan himself.
--
Did you find this post entertaining? Consider getting one of our actual products--Along the Way is similar in nature to this, for example. It will encourage us to create more! Click here to see a complete listing of all our products!
