Castro vs. Kennedy (A ROLF!: Houseboat on the River Styx Battle Scenario)

On November 25, 2016, the long-time dictator of the Cuban communist regime, Fidel Castro, passed away. This is some of what happened next, as Castro joins the cast of characters in NUELOW Games' A Houseboat on the River Styx setting. Based on the writings of John Kendrick Bangs, it's a place where historical figures and fictional characters meet, have adventures, and fight with each other.
   This post contains ROLF! stats for Kennedy and Castro, so you can play out their first meeting in the afterlife.

ON THE SHORES OF THE RIVER STYX, NOT TOO LONG AGO....
   "Ay caramba!" exclaimed Fidel Casto. "You mean I really, truly am dead?!"
   "Yes." Charon nodded almost imperceptibly within the shadows of his voluminous hood. "The land you have arrived in is Hades, and the river we just crossed is Styx."
   "But there is a city here! And over there--a houseboat with a gringo dressed up like Shakespeare! And there are people riding horses, people riding in cars, people--people riding on dragons?!"
   Castro pointed skyward where a sleek, scaly azure dragon was winging its way way through the cloudy sky after a furry white one; on the back of each, a human form could be discearned, and a woman's voice drifted down, "Fates curse you, Atreyu--you bring back my helmet, or I'll make you wish you'd been swallowed up by Despair and Hopelessness!"
   Again, near-invisible nod of Charon's head. "Yes... Hades is a land where creations of the imagination and the spirits of those who have fired imaginations live and mingle. You will find that--"
   "Well, I'll be! If it isn't Fidel Castro!"
   Charon and Fidel turned in the direction of the voice. John F. Kennedy came striding onto the boat dock.
   "Kennedy," Castro said coldly, his eyes narrowing under his bushy brows.
   "Fidel," Kennedy said, smiling. "I guess the cigars finally killed you, eh?"
   "Indeed. But it took 50 years longer than the bullet that finished you off."
   "Why, you commie bastard!"
   "Capitalist pig!"
   "Gentlemen, gentlemen," Charon said, waving his gnarled hands to get their attention. "There is no need to--"
   "Stay out of this," roared Kennedy and Castro in unison, each turning their baleful stares on Charon--causing him to shrink further into the shadows of his robe--before locking eyes with each other.
   "You're about to get your ass kicked so hard you're going to wish you were alive again," Kennedy snarled.
   "Less talk, more fight, bourgeois dog!"
   As the fists started to fly, Charon boarded his boat and shoved off. "I'll be back," he said, "when you gentlemen are finished. Nikita, Che, and Karl wanted me to bring Fidel by so they could get a bridge game going."

THE FIGHT
Castro and Kennedy start fighting at close range. The fight ends when one defeats the other.

FIDEL CASTRO (Male)
Brawn 20, Body 13, Brains 5
Traits: Coldhearted, Egomaniac, Stone Cold Killer
Combat Maneuvers: Basic Attack, Bitch Slap, Debate Philosophy, Dodge, Withering Insult
 Important Stuff Worn/Wielded. Beard (Armor, absorbs 1 point of damage).

JOHN F. KENNEDY (Male)
Brawn: 19; Body: 18; Brains: 7
Traits: Egomaniac, Irrepressible Optimist, Limousine Liberal
Combat Maneuvers: Basic Attack, Debate Philosophy, Knock Out, Seduction, Strike Pose, Run Away!, Walk and Chew Gum
Important Stuff Worn/Wielded: Nice Suit and Tie (clothes).

Wild Bill Clanton vs. Steve Costigan

In our latest release, The Conquests of Wild Bill Clanton, we present the best of Robert E. Howard's "adult" short stories featuring the nasty character mentioned in the title. The book also contains game material for the OGL d20 System, some of it new, some of it revised from some of our previous releases, but all of it geared toward capturing the feel of Howard's "spicy" Wild Bill stories.

Art by Warren King

Wild Bill Clanton is like a dark reflection of Howard's Steve Costigan. They are both sailors with a knack for getting into trouble, they both are hard drinkers, they both have strong sexual appetites... but Clanton is a self-centered brute and a rapist while Costigan, for all his rough edges, is ultimately motivated by chivalrous and gentlemanly impulses when it comes to the "fairer sex."

While we included OGL d20 material in The Conquests of Wild Bill Clanton, we used the ROLF! game system to bring Steve Costigan to the gaming table in Fists of Foolishness, Shanghaied Mitts, ROLF!: Hammerin' Tongs, and ROLF!: The Tornado vs. Steve Costigan. However, since Wild Bill is the sort of person that Steve Costigan is likely to beat the living hell out of if the two ever cross paths, L.L Hundal & Steve Miller present this ROLF! battle scenario featuring both of Robert E. Howard's battling sailors.

The following text is Copyright 2015 by Steve Miller, but permission is granted to copy and print for personal use if you want to play the battle scenario.

WHEN STEVE MET BILL

Writing by Steve Miller * Editing by L.L. Hundal

(A ROLF! Battle Scenario featuring characters created by Robert E. Howard)

From the Adventures of Steve Costigan, as transcribed by R.E. Howard:

  I was on my way back to the Sea Gal after Lo Tan's wedding when I came across this little white gal, curled up in a ball at the mouth of a filthy alley, crying. It stabbed me in the heart to see such a pretty little thing, with beautiful red hair and freckled white skin, in such a state. Especially after I'd just spent the day surrounded by such happiness. I asked her what'd happened and when she looked at me, I saw that her face was swollen and bruised. I helped her to feet and saw that her dress was so shredded that it barely qualified as clothes anymore.

   I let her wrap herself in my jacket, and my sympathetic feelings turned to anger as she described how she'd been robbed and abused by a lout who'd promised to get her on a ship out of Shanghai. He'd beaten her--and worse--and then thrown her into the alley like so much garbage.

   I demanded to know where this felon could be found, and she pointed me to a door down the alley. "But he's dangerous," she said. "You've heard of Wild Bill Clanton, right? He kills people who cross him."

   "Not me," I told her. "I've never heard of him, and he won't have a chance to kill me, because I knock the blocks off of folks like him. I'll get you your money back, and I'll get you out of Shanghai."
   I marched down the alley to the door indicated with the shivering little woman following a few feet behind. "Be careful! Please be careful," she was saying. I paid her no mind and kicked down the door she'd indicated. Inside, in a small room, was one of the ugliest cusses I'd ever laid eyes on. But he was big, almost as big as any man I'd fought. And he he leapt to his feet and took a stance that told me he was a fighting man. He gritted his teeth and glared at me with fiery eyes. He was aiming a pistol at me. I can't say I blame him; I had just kicked down his door.
   "Are you Clanton," I demanded.
   "I am!" said he,  "Who the !#$% are you?!"
   "They call me Costigan," I told him and asked, "Did you hit a young lady and take advantage of her in her time of need?"
   "Probably, but I don't meet many ladies around here."
   I felt my blood getting hotter. Here was a guy that needed some serious whopping. But I've learned the hard way not to jump to conclusions just because some pretty girl says she's in trouble. I probably will never be able to go back to Okinawa due to a situation just like this one. But this Clanton fellow seemed like he was on the up-and-up--or, more accurately, like he was a low-down creep.
    So I said, "Did you hurt a little redheaded girl today? Did you rob her?"
    Clanton roared with laughter. "That slag? She's no lady! I don't know what she told you, but she had it coming. And I tell you, she enjoyed every--"
   That's when I lost my temper and charged him. Gun or no gun, I was going to knock some decency into him. No matter what a man thinks a woman may have done, he never he never has any justification for laying a hand on her. And he sure as hell doesn't force himself on her in any way whatsoever.

The Battle Scenario
The scenario is for two players and it uses the pre-generated characters detailed below. One player controls Steve Costigan, the other Wild Bill Clanton. The fight starts at Ranged distance and continues until either Costigan and Yvette or Clanton is defeated.
   If Costigan is defeated, Yvette leaps into the fray the following round, attacking Clanton. If she is also defeated... well, then we know why NUELOW Games isn't releasing anymore books or ROLF! supplements starring Steve Costigan.
   If Clanton is beaten, either Yvette or Costigan goes through his pockets and takes all his money. Costigan, if defeated, regains consciousness and takes Yvette to his ship, the Sea Gal, where she gets passage to its next port of call. Happy endings all around, except for Wild Bill Clanton.
 

   

Pre-Generated Characters
STEVE COSTIGAN (Male)
Brawn 33; Body 11; Brains 5
   Traits: Egomaniac, Short-tempered, Too Sexy for My Shirt.
   Combat Maneuvers: Basic Attack, Disarm, Dodge, Knock Out, Murderous Mitts.
   Important Stuff Wielded/Worn: His Best Suit (Clothes).
   Special Note: Costigan is almost always in the company of Mike the White Bulldog. On the second round of a fight involving Costigan anywhere but in a boxing ring, Mike attacks the opponent with the lowest Body score, dealing 2 points of damage. Mike’s attacks are reduced by Armor or can be avoided with the Dodge Combat Maneuver. Mike attacks once each subsequent round, always targeting the character with the lowest Body score (other than Costigan). Mike fights for two rounds after Costigan goes down.

WILD BILL CLANTON (Male)
Brawn 30, Body 12, Brains 5
   Traits: Coldhearted, Egomaniac, Short-tempered
   Combat Maneuvers: Basic Attack, Disembowel, Knock Out, Murderous Mitts, Run Away,
   Important Stuff Worn/Wielded: Pistol (Small Ranged Weapon, deals 2 points of damage that ignore armor). Knife ( Small Melee Weapon, deals 2 points of damage).

YVETTE FREISE (Female)
Brawn 21, Body 15, Brains 5
   Traits: Improv Master, Nimble, Too Sexy for My Shirt
   Combat Maneuvers: Basic Attack, Castrate, Dodge, Double Strike, Strike Pose,
   Important Stuff Worn/Wielded: Tattered Dress (Clothes, barely covers nakedness)

Meet Brandy Flippe -- Notorious Jewel Thief!

Here's a pair of ROLF! characters inspired in part by the Sherry Flippe comics. The Battle Scenario is references characters featured in the Battle Scenario contained in the book.

MEET BRANDY FLIPPE
The Wide-Awake Detective Agency isn't known for taking down criminal masterminds--in fact, they generally try to avoid such cases. Lost kittens, figuring out where the car keys (and the pants they were in) were left during a night of drunken fun, and baby-sitting unruly celebrities is more their line. Agency-owner Mr. Gribbitts and his best (only) employee Sherry Flippe make an exception for Nightshade, a notorious jewel thief who is secretly Sherry's sister, Brandy.

Brandy and Sherry were both wild teenagers, but where Sherry channeled her love of adventure into the USO followed by becoming a private detective, Brandy fell in with a rough crowd, became the apprentice of the original Nightshade and stepped into his black stealth suit when he "retired."

Now, whenever Mr. Gribbitts and Sherry get a tip that Brandy may be scheming a heist, they rush to attempt to apprehend her. Brandy always gets away, but they usually end up uncovering some other crime or criminal enterprise in the process.

Unbeknownst to anyone but a few members of the Secret Service, Brandy, and the original Nightshade, the pair of jewel thieves are actually working for the Secret Service. Nightshade was captured shortly after he took Brandy under his wing, and he made a deal with the government to keep them both out of jail. Now, they target wealthy men and women who are secretly criminals, agents of foreign powers, or leaders of secret societies that are enemies of America and freedom, breaking into their homes and lairs to uncover the evidence Uncle Sam needs to bring them down.

NIGHTSHADE #2 (Female)
(aka Brandy Flippe)
Brawn 16, Body 18, Brains 7
  Traits: Irrepressible Optimist, Nimble
  Combat Maneuvers: Backflip, Basic Attack, Disarm, Kung Fu Face, Murderous Mitts, Run Away!, Seduction, Strike Pose.
  Imporrtant Stuff Worn/Wielded: Form-fitting sneak-thief suit (Armor, absorbs 1 point of damage) OR Fashionable ensemble (Clothes). Lockpicks and compact thief toolkit (One-shot melee weapon, deals 2 points, then breaks).

NIGHTSHADE #1 (Male)
(aka James "Jim" Nightshade)
Brawn 20, Body 15, Brains 6
  Traits: Honorable, Nimble, Too Sexy for My Shirt
  Combat Maneuvers: Backflip, Basic Attack, Dodge, Double Strike, Run Away!, Seduction.
  Important Stuff Worn/Wielded: Expensive suit and tie Clothes) OR Form-fitting sneak-thief suit (Armor, absorbs 1 point of damage).

BATTLE SCENARIO
The Battle Scenario is for two players. One player controls Brandy and the other the two cultists. (Stats for the mummy cultists can be found either in Sherry Flippe or ROLF!: The Mummy's Tune. Gary Crant is a character who appears in the Battle Scenario featured in Sherry Flippe.

BACKGROUND
The Secret Service suspects actor Gary Crant of being involved with a secret society with ties to an Egyptian group that wants to see Nazi Germany rise from the ashes. One night, as he is slated to attend a gala function, Brandy breaks into his house to secure evidence of his nefarious contacts... and to steal is collection of gem-crusted stick-pins.
  Once inside, she finds documents that show Crant is not only involved with Nazis that fled to Egypt following the fall of Hitler, but with some sort of mummy-worshiping cult. She gathers up the evidence and the gems (along with a few Egyptian antiques) and turns to leave. But she finds her path blocked by two cultists.

THE BATTLE
The fight begins at Melee range and continues until Brandy or the cultists are defeated or use Run Away! to escape the battle. If Brandy should fall while both cultists are still active, Jim Nightshade enters the fight on the following round. He was supposed to be watching Gary Crant at the gala, but he had a hunch Brandy was in trouble.

The cover for Sherry Flippe, by Tony Di Preta

Where NOT to 'Tangle With Romance'.... A Battle Scenario starring Kathy and her Boyfriend Hank

NUELOW's lead editor and creator of the ROLF! game, L.L. Hundal, has been on a Golden Age teen comedy kick since we produced the Ginger and Snap book earlier this year. In recent weeks, she's sent me about two dozen teen humor stories that we're going to be doing collections of. Some will be along the lines of the Ginger and Snap collection, others will end up as part of an entry in the Complete Golden Age Oddballs series (like we've already done with Martin Filchock's "Teen Toons").

One book that we're set on is a collection of the "Kathy" stories drawn by Ralph Mayo and Frank Frazetta from the pages of Thrilling Comics. And even if all the stories were badly drawn and unfunny--which the Mayo/Frazetta ones aren't--we would at the very least be doing SOMETHING with this splash page:

That picture and the blurb that states that Kathy "tangles with romance" immediately made me think "choosing a graveyard as a place for that wasn't very smart"... and then a ROLF! battle scenario came to mind. A couple, actually...

Since it's been a while, here's a complete ROLF! battle scenario, with everything you need to play but rules. It's one of the ones inspired by that splash page, but drawing upon the "Kathy" series in general.

KATHY TANGLES WITH ROMANCE AND NECROMANCY

A ROLF! Battle Scenarios for 2-3 Players

By Steve Miller

BACK STORY 

On a balmy summer eve, as the full moon beams from a clear sky, Kathy suggests to her boyfriend Hank that they leave the soda shop and head for the picturesque cemetery off Old Church Road. 

   "It's such a beautiful place, and the full moon... it's so romantic," she says. "It's a perfect night for something I've been wanting do with with you for a long time.".

    Hank, barely able to contain his excitement, immediately agrees. The teens steal into the cemetery, and Kathy heads of a bench on a slight rise that is bathed in moonlight. The two sit, and she squeezes Hank's hand, smiling and looking into his eyes. "This is going to be something special," she tells him. "I've never done this with anyone else before."

   "Of course not!" Hank says emphatically.

   "This is going to be something very special." Kathy turns away to get something from her purse. She feels his hand on her shoulder, and she turns to smile at him... but her smile freezes on her lips, her eyes grow wide and her mouth drops open. During the brief seconds was reaching into her purse, Hank had managed to take off all his clothes! She gasped, she gulped, her gaze slid down his torso and then snapped back to his face as she shouted: "What are you doing?!"

   "Getting ready... I've wanted to--"

   "I wanted to read poetry with you!" She holds up a book. "I come out here some nights and read poetry. Oh my Gosh! You thought--"

   "Oh my Gosh," Hank says at the same time as her. He is mortified, horrified, at his mistake, and he reaches for his clothes--and find them floating in midair, suspended in what appears to be a wisp of fog. A skull-like face takes form in the mist and a hollw-sounding voice, that seems to make Hank and Kathy's very bones vibrate, says, "You care disturb this place with your carnal activities?!"

   "Jeepers!" Kathy says.

   The ghost throws Hank's clothes at him, and then attacks.

PRE-GENERATED CHARACTERS

These characters are used in the battle scenarios above. Kathy and Hank The traits and combat maneuvers not in the ROLF! core game are drawn from ROLF!: Bullets to the Head or ROLF!: Creature Feature. If this were an actual published products, they would be repeated here for each of reference.

ANGRY GHOST (Spooky!)

Brawn 20, Body 5, Brains 3

Traits: Dead, Natural Weapons (Claws)

Combat Maneuvers:: Basic Attack, Hypnotize, Slime (S

Important Stuff Worn/Wielded: Claws (Small Natural Weapon, deals 1 point of damage. Cannot be disarmed).

KATHY CRANE (Female)

Brawn 16, Body 18, Brains 5

   Traits: Comic Relief, Improv Master, Irrepressible Optimist

   Combat Maneuvers: Basic Attack, Dance Move, Dodge, Strike Pose, Walking Disaster Area

   Important Stuff Worn/Wielded: Cute blouse and skirt (clothes), Book of poetry titled Romantic Verse for Moonlit Nights (Small Melee Weapon, deals 1 point of damage OR One-shot ranged weapon that deals 2 points of damage). Purse (Small Melee Weapon, deals 1 point of damage)..

HANK DANIELS (Male)

Brawn 17, Body 18, Brains 5

   Traits: Nimble

   Combat Maneuvers: Basic Attack, Dance Move, Disarm, Dodge, Murderous Mitts

   Important Stuff Worn/Wielded: Literally nothing... he's in his "birthday suit."

HARUMON THE NECROMANCER (Male?)

Brawn 7, Body 6, Brains 7

   Traits: Coldhearted, Dour, Too Sexy for My Shirt

   Combat Maneuvers: Basic Attack, Debate Philosophy, Disembowel, Spellings (After Me, Die Die Die!, You'll Only Hurt Yourself), Strategic Bleeding

   Important Stuff Worn/ Wielded:  Necromancer Robes (Armor, Absorbs up to 1 point of damage). Ceremonial Knife (Small Melee Weapon, deals 1 point of damage).

THE BATTLE SCENARIOS

These scenarios can be played by two or three players, with one player controlling Kathy and Hank, and the other controlling the ghost and Haruman the Necromancer. If three gamers are player, Kathy and Hank are each controlled by a different player, while the third plays Haruman and the ghost.

Battle Scenario One

Kathy and Hank must defeat the angry ghost attacking them in the cemetery. The battle continues until either both Kathy and Hank are defeated, or the ghost is. If the teens win, they are restored up to one-half their starting health (if applicable), including if one should have been defeated, at the start of Part Two. If the Ghost wins, see "Aftermath" below.

Interlude

How did this ghost come to be in the cemetery? Well, Haruman the Necromancer was also enjoying the full moon while practicing a little black magic. Attracted by the shrieks and screams of the teens vs. ghost fight, he finds Kathy and Hank over the dissolving remains of his latest summoning.

   "Meddling kids," he cries. "It was made clear that I have the cemetery on the full moons in months with 31 days--you damn druids need to keep your naked moon-dancing to your own time!"

   "Wait," Kathy says. "This isn't what it looks like. At all."

  "Yes," Hank says. "We're not doing naked dancing!"

  "You want me to believe you came all the way out here just to fornicate?" Harumon snarls.

  "Yes!" Hank exclaims.

  "No!" Kathy shouts, smacking him on the head with her book of verse.

  "You will not make the fool of me," Harumon says, the black energy of evil magic crackling on his finger tips. "You will be taught respect and the meaning of keeping to an agreed-upon schedule."

   With that, he attacks.

Battle Scenario Two

Kathy and Hank must defeat Haruman. The battle continues until one side is defeated.

Aftermath

If Hank and Kathy are defeated in either scenario, they wake up on the ground in front of the bench as dawn is breaking, cold and sore and confused. Hank is still naked.

   Hank quickly gets dressed. He says, "Let's never mention this to anyone, okay? And I'm really sorry."

  "You should be," Kathy says coldly, remaining turned away as Hank dresses, but still stealing a glance. "I can't believe you thought--"

  "I'm really, really sorry!" Hank wails.

  "This place is great for reading poetry, but that other sturff? Too creepy."

   "What?"

   "You need a car, Hank Daniels. Don't you know anything? Now, how are we going to keep from getting grounded for life?"

ROLF!: Shia LaBeouf vs. Alan Moore

Recently, actor Shia LaBeouf and writer Alan Moore separately announced their retirement from public life. A ROLF! battle scenario came to mind.

THE FUTURE HERMIT SMACKDOWN

By Steve Miller

(soon to be the work of Shia LaBeouf and Grant Morrison)

Permission granted to copy for personal use and amusement.

Backstory
"It's done!" said Shia LaBeouf. "I have announced my retreat from public life because of the meanies in the media... and I'm getting more attention than ever! Yay! It sure was great that Alan Moore did the same thing back just before New Year's or I may never have thought to do it!"
   There's a knock at the door.
   "Are you Shia LaBeouf?" asks the old man with the wild beard and hair when Shia opens the door.
   "Yes. I am the actor/writer/artist known as Shia, who recently retired from pubic life because of negative comments about me in the media."
   "I'm Alan Moore, and I'm here ta kill you, you fookin' thief!"

The Battle
The fight is for two players. each controlling a character. It continues until one of the characters is defeated.

The Characters
There are several traits and battle maneuvers not in the core ROLF! game. Sorry. Most of the ones not there can be found in ROLF!: Old and Angry. (The one all-new Trait, Plagiarist, is detailed under "New Traits.")

ALAN MOORE
Brawn 20, Body 13, Brains 7
  Traits: Improv Master, Old, So Very British
  Battle Maneuvers: Basic Attack, Double Strike, Debate Philosophy, Dodge, Murderous Mitts, Signature Move, Withering Insult

Alan Moore

SHIA LABEOUF (Male)
Brawn 19, Body 19, Brains 4
  Traits: Improv Master, Plagiarist
  Battle Maneuvers: Basic Attack, Debate Philosophy, Strategic Bleeding, Strike Pose

Shia LaBeouf

New Traits
Plagiarist: Once per round, the character can use any Battle Maneuver or Spelling that has been used by any other character in the fight. If the ATT check to use the "borrowed" attack fails, the character loses one Body ATT point.


AND... A FEAT FOR USE WITH YOUR d20 SYSTEM GAMES!

In a show of appreciation for the great talent that is Shia LaBeouf, here is a feat for use with your d20 System. I'm putting it here, and I'm going to claim it as my own. After all, art should be free and we should all be free to claim that we create whatever art we feel like claiming we create!

Plagiarist [General]
You gain a +4 bonus to Linguistics checks to create (but not detect) forgeries, and when you impersonate a specific person those who know the target of your impersonation get only half the normal bonus to their Perception checks to realize you are a fake. (#microfeats)

Super Muslim Bros. Bonus Battle Scenario

We here at NUELOW Games extend our best wishes to the people of Egypt. We hope that the promise of the so-called Arab Spring will finally yield something like a path to ward true equality and liberty in that country, instead of the mockery that Morsi and the Muslim Bros. were instituting.

On that note, here's a ROLF! Battle Scenario to celebrate Morsi's ouster. It features the never-before-seen ROLF! character stats for Edward "Wait--I steal and make public government secrets and they revoke my passport?" Snowden.

BATTLE SCENARIO: SNOWDEN WITH MORSI

Background: Edward Snowden finally finds a country that will give him asylum -- Durkadurkastan, home to the people that even the Afghani Taliban thought were too crazy and extreme to keep around.. "You struck a blow at the every liver of the Great Satan! You will be a national hero! You will be given many virgins, and you won't even have to die to get them!" the letter acknowledging his request had been granted said, among other things.

   Upon arriving in Durkadurkastan, Snowden is given temporary quarters in a remote mountain cave ("It gets Sirius XM Radio and Showtime.... we had it installed when Sheik Osama lived here for a time!" Minister of Defeating the Infidels tells him.) Already staying in the cave is Mohamed Morsi, late of Egypt. The two hit it off, sharing many things, a general contempt for the United States of America being foremost among them.

   But, as they wait to be given their stately manors staffed with nubile virgins, as is befitting for heroes of Durkadurkastan, a massive snowstorm hits, trapping them in the cave. ("We will fetch you in a couple of weeks," the Interior Minister of Glorious Victory Over Infidels tells them via shortwave radio. "You maybe a bit short on food, but you can do with losing a few pounds, Sheik Morsi.")

   "Short on food" is an understatement. There is NO food in the cave at all. Within three days, Morsi and Snowden realize they're going to have to eat each other to survive. So, they set out to murder each other, so one will live.

   The Battle: This is a simple fight for two gamers. Each controls a character, and it continues until one of the cave-dwellers is dead. (Stats for Mohamed Morsi can be found both in ROLF!: The Mummy's Tune and ROLF!: Super Muslim Bros)

ROLF! STATS FOR EDWARD SNOWDEN

Edward Snowden (Male)

Brawn 14, Body 16, Brains 6

   Traits: Egomaniac, Left-handed, Improv Master

   Combat Maneuvers: Basic Attack, Disarm, Dodge, Run Away!, Signature Move, Seduce Strike Pose

   Important Stuff Worn/Wielded: Laptop Computer (Small Melee Weapon, deals 2 points of damage OR one-short Ranged Weapon, deals 2 points of damage). NSA-issued poison-bladed knife (Small Melee Weapon, deals 2 points of damage).

Edward Snowden, Hero In His Own Mind

Sinbad and the Seven Golden Skeletons: A ROLF! Battle Scenario

I was saddened to hear about Ray Harryhausen's passing today. Many of the movies he produced and/or did stop-action animation for are ranked among my favorite films ever. It's not much a tribute to his great work, but here is a little ROLF! Battle Scenario that 'borrows" the famous Harryhausen skeletons (which I so loved in "The 7th Voyage of Sinbad" and "Jason and the Argonauts"), Sinbad and Margiana from "The Golden Voyage of Sinbad" (portrayed by John Philip Law and Caroline Munro, who probably jump-puberty for a number of people reading this, or that of their parents).

You will need a copy of ROLF!: Old Skool or ROLF!: The Rollplaying Game to play this scenario (as well as a friend). A copy of the free Something About Hats might also be useful, as would The Mummy's Tune supplement.

SINBAD AND THE SEVEN GOLDEN SKELETONS

A ROLF! Battle Scenario for 2 - 3 Players

By Steve Miller

Getting Ready to Play

If two gamers are playig this battle scenario, then one controls Sinbad and Margianna and the other the skeletons. If three gamers are playing, then one gamer each controls Sidbad, Margianna, and the skeletons.

   Another option for a two-player game could be to remove Margianna from play and reduce the number of skeletons to four.

Background

On a beautiful Wednesday afternoon, sometime early in the 8th century A.D., the pirate captain Sinbad and his lovely sidekick Margianna make landfall on a lush island. They are here to check out a cave containing a legendary treasure hoard, and to then have a nice a picnic lunch.

They easily locate the cave... and the treasure within seems likewise easy to access, as it's just scattered about the cave floor or overflowing open chests. The partially decayed, dismembered corpses scattered about are sure evidence that this treasure is indeed not as easily accessible as it seems.

The adventurers move warily forward, but as they do, seven gold-coated skeletons that seemed to be no more than macabre wall decorations, come to life. The gold coating flakes from their bones as they move jerkily toward Sinbad and Margiana.

The Battle

There are a total of seven skeletons--hence the title of the scenario. In the first round, two skeletons attack Sinbad and one attacks Margianna. When the first skeleton on each of the heroes is defeated, two more rush forward to take its place. The fight continues until all the skeletons or Sinbad and Margianna are defeated.

Pre-Generated Characters

Here are the characters featured in "Sinbad and the Seven Golden Skeletons."

Skeletons (Undead)

Brawn 12, Body 3, Brains 3

Traits: Dead

Combat Maneuvers: Bitch Slap, Disarm, Double Strike

Important Stuff Word/Wielded: Sword (Medium Melee Weapon. Deals 3 points of damage).

Sinbad the Sailor (Male)

Brawn 27 (includes +1 Hat Bonus), Body 17, Brains 7

Traits: Honorable, Nimble, Too Sexy for My Shirt

Combat Maneuvers: Basic Attack, Disarm, Dodge, Disembowel, Double Strike, Murderous Mitts, Strike Pose

Important Stuff Worn/Wielded: Turban (Hat. +1 to Brawn while worn). Sword (Medium Melee Weapon,deals 3 points of damage,

Margiana (Female)

Brawn 22, Body 18, Brains 6

Traits: Improv Master, Nimble

Comb:at Maneuvers Basic Attack, Dance Move, Dodge, Seduce, Strike Pose, The Look

Important Stuff Worn/Wielded: Kris Dagger (Small Melee Weapon, deals 2 points of damage).

ROLF!: Lady Gaga vs. the Banshee

With Saint Patrick Day fast approaching, we present a Battle Scenario that pits Lady Gaga against that most famous of Irish monsters--the Banshee.

LADY GAGA VS. THE BANSHEE

A ROLF! Battle Scenario for Two Gamers

BACKGROUND
Lady Gaga has decided that she must master the art of singing like banshee. So, she has gone to a ruined castle on an isolated, windswept Irish moor to confront the Banshee who dwells there and force her to reveal the secret of mastering the Banshee Wail.


PRE-GENERATED CHARACTERS

LADY GAGA (Female)
Brawn: 20 (+1 Hat Bonus included), Body: 17, Brains: 7.
Traits: Nimble, Same Sex Preference, Too Sexy for My Shirt
Combat Maneuvers: Basic Attack, Dance Move, Furious Fists, The Look, Strike Pose, Seduce, Yodel.
Important Stuff Worn/Wielded: Bizarre, Sexy Outfits (Clothes), Thigh-high Boots (Armor OR Leggings, Absorbs 1 point of damage.), Weird Hat (+1 Brawn Bonus, different-looking hat each battle).

Lady Gaga

THE BANSHEE OF SCATH REILIG NA (Female)
Brawn 13; Body 14; Brains 5
Traits: Dead, Nimble
Combat Maneuvers: Basic Attack, Banshee Wail, Seduce, Spelling (Bad Touch, Die Die Die!)
Special Note: The Banshee can use her Banshee Wail combat maneuver to cause the following effects once per Battle each: A. All characters in the fight (except the Banshee) must make a successful Brawn ATT check or have their current Brawn total reduced by half; Brawn lost in this way is NOT restored between Scenarios. B. She can fill all characters in the fight (except the Banshee) with a sorrow so great they decide to kill themselves. The characters turn their weapons on themselves keep attacking themselves until they make a successful Brains check.

The Banshee

THE BATTLE SCENARIO
Nothing fancy here... Lady Gaga and the Banshee fight until one of them is defeated. If the Banshee loses, Lady Gaga learns the Bashee Wail... and she will, quite literally, knock her fans dead with her next single.


Lady Gaga vs. the Banshee is a work of fiction. Any similarity to real people, living or dead, without satirical purpose is purely coincidental.
Text Copyright 2011 NUELOW Games, but you can always copy the text to make a print out for personal use if you like. Or you can just play it on your nifty iPad thingie.

The ROLF! International Women's Day Celebration

It's International Women's Day, and we here at NUELOW Games are celebrating. Steve is hitting on every international woman he finds, and L.L. Hundal is taking the day off to sit on the couch, while watching "The View" and "The Maury Povich Show" and eating Bon-Bons.

And, of course, we're offering this celebration of International Woman's Day, in this the year of the 100th anniversary of the Girl Scouts. (All blame for these characters and combat scenarios should be assigned to L.L. Hundal. This is one case where Steve Miller will NOT take the blame!)





BILL CLINTON
CELEBRATES INTERNATIONAL WOMEN'S DAY
WITH A GIRL SCOUT
A ROLF! Battle Scenario for 2 Players by L.L. Hundal

Background
Mel the Girl Scout Leader was thrilled when she was invited to the office of former U.S. President Bill Clinton in order to celebrate not only International Woman's Day, but also the 100th anniversary of the founding of the Girl Scouts. She soon learned that Bill was looking for a different sort of thrill... and when he offered her the same position that Monica Lewisky had once filled, she knew she had to Be Prepared to Run Away!

This combat scenario is designed for two gamers, with one gamer controlling Bill Clinton and another controlling Mel and Hillary.


Pre-Generated Characters
BILL CLINTON (Male)
Brawn: 23; Body: 14; Brains: 6
Traits: Egomaniac, Limousine Liberal, Irrepresible Optimist
Combat Maneuvers: Basic Attack, Debate Philosophy, Murderous Mitts, Seduction, Strike Pose, Run Away!
Important Stuff Worn/Wielded: Expensive Suit (Clothes), Cigar-case (Single-shot Ranged Weapon. Deals 1 point of dmg).

Bill Clinton, Presidential Horndog

HILLARY CLINTON (Female)
Brawn: 25; Body: 13; Brains: 6
Traits: Dour
Combat Maneuvers: Basic Attack, Castrate, Debate Philosophy, Furious Fists, Run Away!, Signature Move
Important Stuff Worn/Wielded: Expensive Pants Suit (Clothes), Bust of Elanor Roosevelt (Large Melee Weapon. Deals 4 points of dmg).

Hillary Clinton, Wife of the Horndog

MEL THE GIRL SCOUT LEADER (Female)
Brawn: 20; Body: 17; Brains: 5
Traits: Irrepresible Optimist, Nimble
Combat Maneuvers: Basic Attack, Disembowel, Furious Fists, Run Away!, Walk and Chew Gum
Important Stuff Worn/Wielded: Girl Scout Uniform (Clothes), Girl Scout Shash with Badges (Armor OR Weapon. When Worn, it functions as Armor, absorbs 1 point of dmg. When wielded it functions as a Melee Weapon, dealing 2 points of dmg).

Mel the Girl Scout

The Combat Scenario
The combat scenario begins with Bill chasing Mel around the desk in his office. Mel can attempt to end the combat by using Run Away!, but Bill can counter her attempts by successfully using the Run Away! combat maneuver.

If Mel should fall victim to Bill's Seduction combat maneuver, be reduced to 0 Brawn through combat, or manage to Run Away!, Mel's player takes control of Hillary Clinton... who bursts onto the scene at the end of that ruond to visit wrathful vengenace on her husband and, if need be, save the hapless Girl Scout.

If Hillary should be defeated, Mel returns to attack Bill. Her Irrepressible Optimist trait has been replaced with Dour if this occurs.

The battle continues until Bill Clinton or both ladies are defeated.

Bill Clinton Celebrates International Women's Day with a Girl Scout is a work of fiction. Any similarity to real people, living or dead, without satirical purpose is purely coincidential. (We really have no idea who is on those pictures we've posted... and that's our story and we're sticking to it!)
Text Coyright 2011 NUELOW Games, but you can always copy the text to make a print out for personal use if you like. Or you can just play it on your nifty iPad thingie. We wish someone would celebrate International Women's Day by giving us iPads....)

This sounds like a ready-made ROLF! Battle Scenario....

Calvin Rickson (Male)
Brawn 14, Body 13, Brains 7
Traits: Nimble
Combat Maneuvers: Basic Attack, Dodge, Knock Out, Run Away!, Strategic Bleeding, Strike Pose, Walk and Chew Gum
Important Stuff Carried/Worn: Slide Rule (Small Melee Weapons; does 1 point of damage


The Angry Mob (10 Males)
Brawn 11, Body 10, Brains 3
Traits: Coldhearted
Combat Maneuvers: Basic Attack, Disembowel, Run Away!
Important Stuff Carried/Worn: Baseball Bat (Medium Melee Weapon; does 2 points of damage)

THE BATTLE SCENARIO
Calvin Rickson, inventor of the most evil undergarment ever devised by man, is attacked by an angry mob. He must defeat them or suffer a terrible fate.

This Scenario is for 2 players, with one player controlling Calvin and the other controlling the Members of the Angry Mob. There are 10 angry men in the Mob.

1d4 members of the Mob attack Calvin during the first round of combat. 1d4 additional attackers join the fray whenever one of them falls, until all 10 are in the fight.

If Calvin tries to use Run Away! to flee, members of the Mob not yet fighting him attempt to use their Run Away! Combat Maneuver to stop his retreat. If one of them is successful, a new Battle begins, with 1d2 Mob Members fighting him, and the usual 1d4 joining each time one of them falls.

The Battle continues until Calvin or the Angry Mob is defeated.

NEW STUFF
Calvin Rickson's Wonderous Jiggle-free Bra: Armor (Females Only), Absorbs 2 points of Damage. (Can be worn with Clothes, Leggings, Boots, and Hats, but no other kinds of Armor.)

Happy Chinese New Year!

How about celebrating with some festive fights using ROLF!: The Rollplaying Game of Big Dumb Fighters? Here are some pre-generated characters and a Combat Scenario to get your started!


DRAGON vs. TIGER
A ROLF! Combat Scenario for 2-4 Players
By Steve Miller

CHINESE DRAGON (Embodies both the Yin and the Yang)
Brawn 40; Body 20; Brains 8
Traits: Egomaniac, Mutant (Natural Weapons: Medium Claws, Large Fangs; Natural Armor)
Combat Maneuver: Basic Attack, Debate Philosophy, Dodge, Disembowel, Double Strike, Spellings (Die Die Die!, Hot Air, Light My Fire)
Important Stuff Worn/Weilded: Natural Weapons (Medium Claws, deals 3 points of damage; Large fans, deals 5 points of damage). Scaly Hide (all damage suffered is reduced by 1 point per strike).

JACKIE CHAN (Male)
Brawn 30; Body 15; Brains 6
Traits: Jolly, Nimble
Combat Maneuver: Basic Attack, Disarm, Dodge, Double Strike,Infectious Good Cheer, Run Away
Important Stuff Worn/Wielded: Whatever random object he can get his hands on; deal 1d3 points of melee damage for each object, one wielded at a time; each object can also be thrown once and inflict 1 point of ranged damage. (Jackie always finds suitable small or medium-sized objects for use as weapons).

MICHELLE YEOH (Female)
Brawn 23; Body 17; Brains 7
Traits: Nimble
Combat Maneuvers: Basic Attack, Disarm, Dodge, Furious Fists, Knock Out, Signature Move, Strike Pose
Important Stuff Worn/Wielded: Pistol (deals 3 points of ranged damage). Golf Club (deals 3 points of melee damage).

TIGER WOODS (Male)
Brawn 24; Body 14; Brains 5
Traits: Egomaniac
Combat Maneuvers: Basic Attack, Double Strike, Seduce, Signature Move, Strike Pose
Important Stuff Worn/Wielded: Golf Club (deals 3 points of melee damage).





THE COMBAT SCENARIO
Jackie Chan, Michelle Yeoh, and Tiger Woods are playing golf one day when a Chinese Dragon comes swooping out f the sky and attacks Tiger Woods... because Tiger is the eternal enemy of Dragon.

One gamer plays the Chinese Dragon. Jackie, Michelle, and Tiger can be each be played by another gamer, or they can each be played by individual gamers, depending on how many will be playing this Combat Scenario.

The battle continues until Jackie, Michelle, and Tiger or the Chinese Dragon are defeated.


(BTW... "DRAGON vs. TIGER" is a work of fiction. The likenesses of Jackie Chan, Michelle Yeoh, and Tiger Woods are being used without authorization, but it's all in good fun and no offense or insult is intended. Text Copyright 2012 Steve Miller. All Rights Reserved. Although you're welcome to copy-and-paste the text if you feel like playing the scenario and doing so will make it easier for you.)

When Drunken Santas Attack: A ROLF! Christmas Battle

Apparently, a bunch of low-lifes decided to give Santa a bad name when "thousands of drunken Santas terrorized Lower Manhattan [...] earlier this month."

Santa's daughter Sugar Plum,
modeling how proper Santas behave.

Under the headline "Drunken Santas Terrorized Lower Manhattan During SantaCon, Locals Say" a news article described drunken Santa rampages that, among other things, included much public urination.

My first thought upon reading it was, "How can they be sure it wasn't just another spin-off of the Occupy [Insert Random Location Here] Movement? Was it the red hats?"

My second thought was, "There's a ROLF! scenario in this."

And here it is! Merry Christmas, my friends!

WHEN DRUNKEN SANTAS ATTACK! 

A ROLF! Combat Scenario for 2 - 4 Players

BACKGROUND
Santa Claus' youngest daughter Sugar Plum and her good friend Christian Arab-Israeli bikini model Huda are Christmas shopping in Lower Manhattan when six loud, foul-mouthed men dressed like Santa come rushing at them.
"Hey, babes... wanna lick Santa's candy cane?" one shouts, the smell of cheap booze wafting off him.

Sugar Plum and Huda must defend the honor of the real Santa by kicking the crap out of these miscreants.

NEW COMBAT MANEUVER
This Combat Maneuver is possessed by the Drunken Santas in his scenario, but any uncouth male character you choose to create may select it.

Precision Urination (Male Only): The character is able to direct a sustained urine stream with uncanny accuracy. May be used at Ranged Distance, but the ATT check must be rolled successfully on 3d6 instead of the usual 2d6. The target must make a successful Body ATT check or lose 1 point of Body and and all remaining Actions that round. ATT BODY.

PRE-GENERATED CHARACTERS
Here are the characters used in "When Drunken Santas Attack."

HUDA (stats taken from "The Breast Hope for Peace")
Brawn is 33; Body is 18; Brains is 10.
Traits: Nimble, Too Sexy for My Shirt
Combat Maneuvers: Basic Attack, Bitch Slap, Disarm, Dodge, Furious Fists, Seduce, Signature Move, Strike Pose, The Look, Run Away.
Important Stuff Worn/Wielded: Sexy High Fashion-wear (Clothes). Bag Full of Christmas Presents (Regular-sized Melee Weapon. Deals 3 points of damage.)

SUGAR PLUM (stats taken from "Santa vs. Santos vs. Jesus")
Brawn is 20; Body is 20; Brains is 7.
Traits: Busty, Jolly, Nimble
Combat Maneuvers: Basic Attack, Dodge, Infectious Good Cheer, Seduce, Strike Pose, Spelling (Lucky Number Seven, Shafting).
Important Stuff Worn/Wielded: Fur-lined Booties, Santa Hat (Armor. Absorbs 1 point of damage), Bikini-style Santa Suit (Armor. Absorbs 2 point of damage, Regular-sized Present (Melee OR one-shot Ranged Weapon. Deals 2 points of damage. One shot.) Two small Presents (Ranged Weapon. 1 point of damage. One shot each.)

NYPD RIOT COP (stats modifed from "The Pimp, The Protester, and the Po-Po")
Brawn is 31; Body is 14; Brains is 6.
Traits: Coldhearted
Combat Maneuvers: Basic Attack, Castrate, Disembowel, Dodge, Do Lunch, Pimp Slap.
Important Stuff Worn/Wielded: Riot Gear. (Armor. Absorbs up to 5 points of damage.). Night Stick (Small Melee Weapon. Does 2 points of damage. Pepper Spray (Small Melee Weapon. Ignores armor. Does 1 point of damage and target must roll a successful Body ATT check or be unable to use any Combat Maneuvers for 1d6+1 rounds.), Taser (Small Melee Weapon. Ignores armor. Deals 3 points of damage.)

DRUNKEN SANTA (stats original to this combat scenario)
Brawn is 11; Body is 10; Brains is 3.
Traits: Dumb
Combat Maneuvers: Basic Attack, Precision Urination, Strategic Bleeding.
Important Stuff Worn/Wielded: Santa Suit stained with beer and unidentifiable substances (Clothes). Pabst Six Pack (Small Melee Weapon. Deals 2 points of damage.)


THE COMBAT SCENARIO
This scenario is intended for at least three gamers. It features Sugar Plum, Huda, Six Drunken Santas, and Two NYPD Riot Cops.

Sugar Plum and Huda are each controlled by a different gamer, while the Drunken Santas and NYPD Riot Cops can be controlled by one or two other gamers, depending on whether three or four gamers are at the table. If four are playing, then the Drunken Santas and NYPD Riot Cops are divided in two groups of three Santas and two NYPD Riot Cops respectively, each controlled by a different gamer.)

THE BATTLE
Sugar Plum and Huda initially each face three Drunken Santas initially, for a total of six. When only two of those Santas are left standing, two NYPD Riot Cops show up to break up the fight, batons and pepper-spray at the ready. One of the remaining Drunken Santas then becomes an ally of Sugar Plum and the other joins Huda.
The battle continues until both Sugar Plum and Huda or all the Santas and Cops are defeated.



(BTW... "When Drunken Santas Attack" is a work of fiction. Any similarity to real people, places, and events without satirical intent is purely coincidental. Copyright 2011 Steve Miller. All Rights Reserved. Although you're welcome to copy-and-paste the text if you feel like playing the scenario and doing so will make it easier for you.)