On that note, here's a ROLF! Battle Scenario to celebrate Morsi's ouster. It features the never-before-seen ROLF! character stats for Edward "Wait--I steal and make public government secrets and they revoke my passport?" Snowden.
BATTLE SCENARIO: SNOWDEN WITH MORSI
Background: Edward Snowden finally finds a country that will give him asylum -- Durkadurkastan, home to the people that even the Afghani Taliban thought were too crazy and extreme to keep around.. "You struck a blow at the every liver of the Great Satan! You will be a national hero! You will be given many virgins, and you won't even have to die to get them!" the letter acknowledging his request had been granted said, among other things.
Upon arriving in Durkadurkastan, Snowden is given temporary quarters in a remote mountain cave ("It gets Sirius XM Radio and Showtime.... we had it installed when Sheik Osama lived here for a time!" Minister of Defeating the Infidels tells him.) Already staying in the cave is Mohamed Morsi, late of Egypt. The two hit it off, sharing many things, a general contempt for the United States of America being foremost among them.
But, as they wait to be given their stately manors staffed with nubile virgins, as is befitting for heroes of Durkadurkastan, a massive snowstorm hits, trapping them in the cave. ("We will fetch you in a couple of weeks," the Interior Minister of Glorious Victory Over Infidels tells them via shortwave radio. "You maybe a bit short on food, but you can do with losing a few pounds, Sheik Morsi.")
"Short on food" is an understatement. There is NO food in the cave at all. Within three days, Morsi and Snowden realize they're going to have to eat each other to survive. So, they set out to murder each other, so one will live.
The Battle: This is a simple fight for two gamers. Each controls a character, and it continues until one of the cave-dwellers is dead. (Stats for Mohamed Morsi can be found both in ROLF!: The Mummy's Tune and ROLF!: Super Muslim Bros)
ROLF! STATS FOR EDWARD SNOWDEN
Edward Snowden (Male)
Brawn 14, Body 16, Brains 6
Traits: Egomaniac, Left-handed, Improv Master
Combat Maneuvers: Basic Attack, Disarm, Dodge, Run Away!, Signature Move, Seduce Strike Pose
Important Stuff Worn/Wielded: Laptop Computer (Small Melee Weapon, deals 2 points of damage OR one-short Ranged Weapon, deals 2 points of damage). NSA-issued poison-bladed knife (Small Melee Weapon, deals 2 points of damage).
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| Edward Snowden, Hero In His Own Mind |
