Get the official final version of NUELOW's martyrdom simulation game!

We've just released the official, final version of our martyrdom simulation game--Ramadi Roulette (aka Riyadh Roulette). Now you can experience all the excitement and ultimate disappointment of blowing yourself up for your god and/or prophet and/or whatever reason you want to come up with, without actually doing it.

The game is available as a "Pay What You Want" release, and, since in our experience that's the same as "Free," this is a game where you get what you pay for! Click here to get your copy now!

For those who want Caliphate Compliant d20 characters

I have been informed that it's important that we understand the mindset of those who wish to bring us all under the rule of the Caliphate of the Daesh (or ISIL, if you're US President Barack Obama and you're already recognizing their claim on all the land between Turkey and Egypt). Since roleplaying games can be good educational tools, I have devised this talent tree so you can all create d20 Modern characters that in the mold of the mightiest of Daesh fighters! (These talents should be added to those available for Tough Heroes and Strong Heroes.)

The rest of this post is released under the Open Gaming License and may be reproduced in accordance with its terms. Copyright 2015 by Steve Miller.

DAESH FIGHTER TALENT TREE
You are a psychopathic killer, or a moron who's deluded himself into thinking he's a heroic Lion of Islam You get to pick talents from this tree,
   Champion of the Caliphate: Gain a +2 bonus to all attack and damage rolls. Gain a -2 modifier to all Intelligence- and Wisdom-based skill checks.
   Allah's Sword: Select a religion or religious denomination (other than the one you fancy yourself as part of). Gain a +4 bonus to Gather Information checks made to ferret out the religious beliefs of a target, and gain a +2 bonus to attack and damage rolls if they are of the selected denomination, You gain a -2 modifier to all Bluff, Diplomacy, and Sense Motive checks.
   You may choose this talent as many times as you like, each time selecting a different religious denomination.
   Prerequisite: Champion of the Caliphate.
   Misogynist: You gain a +2 bonus to hit and damage against female characters. You gain a -4 modifier to all Bluff, Diplomacy, and Sense Motive checks involving female characters.
   Prerequisite: Champion of the Caliphate.
   Cry Like a Little Girl: When you come face-to-face with American, British, or French soldiers, gain a +4 bonus to Bluff and Diplomacy checks to convince them that you were forced into being a killer for the Caliphate. The bonus increases to +6 if you are facing Americans. The bonus increases to +8 if you're giving an interview to BBC, CNN, ABC, CBS, NBC, MSNBC, or al-Jazeera, and it applies to their viewers and reporters working for those news outlets.
   Prerequisite: Champion of the Caliphate.
   Take It Like a Man: When engaging in homosexual orgies with your fellow Daesh Fighters, you always take it up the ass, but you can walk just fine the next day. You gain a +4 bonus to Bluff checks when trying to spot closeted homosexuals and recruit them to the glorious cause of the Caliphate. If they refuse to join, you gain a +2 bonus to attack and damage rolls against them.
   Prerequisite: Misogynist.

The Official Flag of the Caliphate

The official position of NUELOW Games

Just to be clear:

Coming Soon -- ROLF!: The Prophet Motive

Today, Islamic terrorists murdered ten staffers at the French magazine Charlie Hedbo. May those cowards, their bastard children, and the whores who spawned them, be anally raped by horny pigs for all eternity.

Back in 2011, when we were talking about reviving NUELOW Games, Hundal suggested an ROLF!/Houseboat on the River Styx battle scenario where Jesus and Mohammed kicked the asses of lunatics sullying their respective reputations. We eventually used the title on a scenario included in ROLF!: Apocalypse Not... but we're probably going to use it again in the next week or two.

The 2011 Charlie Hebdo issue that enraged idol-worshipers
throughout France and the rest of the world.
(Yes... that a cartoon of Mohammed. The horror... the horror!)

L.L. Hundal and I are both horrified and outraged at the brutal murders of writers and artists at French humor magazine Charlie Hebdo. We're responding with the only method we have at our disposal--we are producing a satire product of the exact kind that they are trying to stop. We don't know if it will be able to be carried by our usual distributor--they recently bounced a satirical release from another publisher that was deemed too offensive--but it will be produced and released.

If anyone out there is an artist who feels like drawing cartoon portraits of Jesus, Mohammed, Joseph Smith, a generic televangelist, and a generic mullah, we can cut you in for a tiny sliver or what will be very meager sales on this product. You can send queries to the email address in the footer of this post, or contact us via NUELOW's Facebook page.

The Father, the Son, the Holy Ghost...
on the cover of an issue of Charlie Hebdo!

THE Unauthorized Adaptation of 'The Interview'

The turd-eating bastards who hacked Sony's computer's have issued a threat of violence against theaters that screen The Interview. The threat (via Variety) is as follows:

Warning

We will clearly show it to you at the very time and places “The Interview” be shown, including the premiere, how bitter fate those who seek fun in terror should be doomed to.
Soon all the world will see what an awful movie Sony Pictures Entertainment has made.
The world will be full of fear.
Remember the 11th of September 2001.
We recommend you to keep yourself distant from the places at that time.
(If your house is nearby, you’d better leave.)
Whatever comes in the coming days is called by the greed of Sony Pictures Entertainment.
All the world will denounce the SONY.

More to come…

While Sony's lawyers are too busy suing news outlets for covering the leaks of emails, film scripts, and personal information about the studio's employees and contractors, we here at NUELOW Games are proud to present the ROLF! Adaptation of The Interview.

After you go see the film on opening night--because you're not going to let some fucking terrorists scare you into not seeing a movie, right... you're not even going to give them the satisfaction of claiming they scared you away, right?--you can relive the film or make up your own adventures using ROLF!: The Rollplaying Game of Big Dumb Fighters and these characters.

THE INTERVIEW: 

AN UNAUTHORIZED ROLLPLAYING GAME ADAPTATION

By Steve Miller 

(Characters Used Without Permission... or it wouldn't be unauthorized)

KIM JONG-UN (Male?)
Brawn 11, Body 7, Brains 3
  Traits: Improv Master
  Combat Maneuvers: Basic Attack, Murderous Mitts, Strike Pose
  Important Stuff Worn/Wielded: Snazzy Uniform (Armor. Absorbs 1 point of damage). Outrageous Hairdo (Provides a -1 modifier to Strike Pose ATT checks)

DAVE SKYLARK (Male)
Brawn 11, Body 14, Brains 5
  Traits: Cowardly, Dumb
  Combat Maneuvers: Basic Attack, Dodge, Run Away, Strike Pose, Withering Insult
  Important Stuff Worn/Wielded: Pistol (Small Ranged Weapon, Four shots. Deals 2 points of damage that ignore armor)

AARON RAPAPORT (Male)
Brawn 12, Body 11, Brains 6
  Traits: Improv Master, Nimble
  Combat Maneuvers: Basic Attack, Debate Philosophy, Double Strike, Disarm, Dodge, Seduce
  Important Stuff Worn/Wielded: Pistol (Small Ranged Weapon. Four Shots. Deals 2 points of damage that ignore armor)

AGENT LACEY (Female)
Brawn 14, Body 14, Brains 8
  Traits: Coldblooded, Dead-Eye
  Combat Maneuvers: Basic Attack, Disarm, Disembowel, Double Strike, Murderous Mitts, Seduce, Strike Pose, Sure Shot
  Important Stuff Worn/Wielded: Spy Gadgets (Two Small Weapons, each deals 2 points of damage, Melee OR Ranged)

SOOK (Female)
Brawn 15 (Includes +1 Hat Bonus), Body 15, Brains 6
  Traits: Improv Master, Nimble
  Combat Maneuvers: Backflip, Basic Attack, Castrate, Disarm, Dodge, Murderous Mitts\
  Important Stuff Worn/Wieded: Snazzy North Korean Military Uniform (Clothes, Thigh-High Boots (Armor, absorbs 1 point of damage), Uniform Cap (Hat, provides +1 Brawn while worn)



And for good measure, a bonus character!

DENNIS RODMAN (Male)
Brawn 18, Body 15, Brains 3
  Traits: Too Sexy for My Shirt, Nimble
  Combat Maneuvers: Basic Attack, Signature Move, Run Away
  Important Stuff Worn/Wielded: Massive Dildo (Medium Melee Weapon, deals 3 points of damage)




(For the record, we all here at NUELOW Central suspect this movie is absolute garbage. When the dickless wonders known to the worlds as the "Sony Hackers" say "soon the world will see what an awful movie Sony Entertainment Pictures has made," we believe them. But they've made sure that we will be going to see it. And we'll try to convince others to do the same. We knew that The Love Guru would suck, but we went to see that one, too. Look for Steve to post a review -- assuming it screens somewhere he can get to see it.)