The Final Countdown! (Is the world gonna end THIS time?!)

I saw a headline today that read "Scientists Say Mass-Extinction Event Has Begun,"

Well, between that, global warming, super-viruses, and the ever-expanding clown-show that makes up those running for President of the United States of America, maybe history is finally coming to close. It seems like the perfect time to dust off this song--"The Final Countdown."

(This is a really interesting cover by Van Canto. Far more interesting than original tune... and just the sort of thing to listen to while staring down the end of the world.)




And, since the world is coming to and end (for SURE this time... none of this Mayan Calendar bullcrap like back in 2012... after all, we've all heard that THE SCIENCE IS SETTLED in regards to global warming... and now the Pope himself has added Climate Change to line-up of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse; the quartet is now officially a quintet!), it's now the perfect time to get the Complete Final Battles Bundle! This collection of epic battle scenarios will let you and your friends go out gaming (and laughing and rollplaying). Get these 12 classic ROLF! products from RPGNow or DriveThruRPG before it's too late!

Display cover image for The Complete Final Battles for ROLF!

This may be a bit premature...

... but it appears that another End of the World has come and gone. And yet, we're all still here.

Epic ROLF! scenarios by Hundal & Miller

 According to the claims of some "Norse mythology experts," today (Feb 22, 2014) is the day the Vikings predicted the World Would End... Ragnarok wold bring low the gods, the earth, reality itself.

And it's safe to say they were wrong. Loki's pet wolf hasn't eaten the sun. Earthquakes haven't spat Jotuns from the earth (or whatever). While there are still a few hours left to go here in 2/22/2014 here at NUELOW Central, it's been 2/23/2014 for about two hours at our branch office in Wadyia, and they seem to be fine.

Boy, do we regret taking the week off here at NUELOW Games and spending it in recreating Viking feasts. We're going to have an epic hangover tomorrow, and we're going to have to catch up on lots of work.

However, in celebration of yet another End of the World that has come and gone, we are offering ROLF!: Apocalypse Not free of charge through this week's Day of Odin. (That's Wednesday for all you non-Viking types.)

ROLF! Apocalypse Not was part of our Final Battles series, which was created to countdown to to the predicted End of the World i 2012. They're all available in one big bundle that can be yours by clicking here!

A full year's of ROLF! madness from Hundal & Miller!

Remember the time the world didn't end?

For all of 2012, we here at NUELOW Games hedged our bets that it was not pure idiocy to claim that the end of the ancient Mayan calendar predicted the end of the world/time/universe/whatever. Each month, we released what might have been final game product ever.

As it turned out, it was pure idiocy to believe the end of the Mayan calendar was the end of the world. The end of the Mayan calendar no more predicted the end of the world than the end of the 2012 Maxfield Parrish calendar in Steve Miller's office predicted the end of the world by coming to an end.

The end result is that history carries on... and we're offering you a chance to remember the year the world didn't end by getting all 12 Final Battles in one easy download and at a reduced price. From The Grim Reaper vs. the Fertility Goddess to Apocalypse Not, these supplements cover with width and breadth of what you and your friends can do with ROLF!: The Rollplaying of Big Dumb Fighters. New Combat Maneuvers and Traits, new Spellings, and rules for taking ROLF! in entirely new directions, such as into the superhero genre and giving gamers an opportunity to create and play angels, demons, and gods.

Click here to read details about each of the 12 Final Battles, or to download them all for just $4.

ROLF!: Jesus vs. Muhammad

Jesus and Muhammad square off in the forthcoming ROLF!: Christmas Chaos product. But the battle detailed there wasn't the first time they exchanged blows. That story is told below, in a free combat scenario that's part of our year-long Final Battle series during which we've been counting down to the end of the world. This may be the last rollplaying scenario you'll ever play, so we hope you have fun with it!

    I alone take responsibility for its content. My partner in ROLFing, L.L. Hundal, wishes to disavow hersel from anything involving the names "Muhammad" and "Jesus." She just had her hair done, and she doesn't want it messed up by illiterate idolators and fanatics who might take offense.

Jesus vs. Muhammad: Waiting for the End of the World

The Final Battle (#11.5 of 12) for Two Gamers

Background

It's Thursday, December 20, 2012. The Bolthole, Guardian City's largest survialist store, has been doing booming business as the citizens stock up on guns, food, and camo-toiletpaper in preperation for the terrible and vague doomsday that's been predicted to occur on December 21, 2012. It's been so busy that the store's shelves are almost empty.
    Jesus and Muhammad, both deciding at the last minute that they need to take steps to protect their family in case doomsday actually happens, have come to the store to get supplies. They may both be procrastinators, but when they swing into action, it's with the intent of getting the best for their loved ones. And in this case, it means buying the very expensive Chuck Norris and Cindy Crawford endorsed Complete Delux Doomsday Survival and Fitness Package (featuring soothing ointments and bathsalts made from Chuck Norris sweat).
    Both men reach the sheft at the same time--only to discover that there's only one kit left. Neither of them will back down, because the well-being of their family is at stake. Both men are also to proud and too stingy to try blackmail the other. So, there's only one option left: Violence.

The Battle
This scenario is intended for two players. It starts at Ranged distance and it continues until either Jesus or Muhammad have been defeated.

Pre-Generated Characters
Here are the family men of the hour.

 Jesus Mendez (Male)

Brawn 11, Body 14, Brains 5

Traits: Improv Master, Short-tempered

Combat Maneuvers: Basic Attack, Disarm, Dodge, Double Strike, The Look

Important Stuff Worn/Wielded: Pistol (Small Ranged Weapon, deals 2 points of damage. 3 shots).

Muhammad Washington (Male)

Brawn 12, Body 12, Brains 5

Traits: Dour, Improv Master

Combat Maneuvers: Basic Attack, Disarm, Disembowel, Dodge, Withering Insult

Important Stuff Worn/Wielded: Switchblade (Small Melee Weapon, deals 2 points of damage).

12-12-12: Time for 'The Date of Doom'

Check out the Final Battle (#11 of 12) for ROLF! -- "The Date of Doom." It features the return of Millie the Guardian Angel of Supermodels and Myron the Patron Demon of Excess. They're on their first date... and it's interrupted by the hateful actions of Dr. Demon.

Click here to see previews of this great love story... or to get your own copy for just $0.60.

Will Millie and Myron replace Bella and Edward as the world's favorite odd couple? I'm hoping, because my cats need food! (Please... buy a copy! :) )

Final Battle #10: Angels, Demons & Death (AD&D)

When the Grim Reaper launches a scheme to destroy all of Creation, it's up to the Guardian Angel of Supermodels and the Patron of Excess to stop him!

That's what passes for the plot in the latest ROLF! supplement, the tenth Final Battle as the predicted End of the World has still not occurred. We have high hopes for December, though.

ROLF!: Angels, Demons & Death features several all new Spellings, Combat Maneuvers, and Traits (some of which let you create your own high-flying winged characters), five pre-generated characters, Battle Scenarios, and manga-esque portraits of the demon and angel. Click here to see previews or to get your own copy for just $0.50 from RPGNow.com.

Another noteworthy fact is that this is the 50th release for ROLF!: The Rollplaying Game of Big Dumb Fighters. Thank you to all who have downloaded our products so far!

ROLF: The Final Battles (#7 - #9)

We're halfway through October 2012, and the world still hasn't ended!

Can it be that the ancient wise Mayans weren't all that wise, or that maybe those who thought their calendar predicted the end of the world in 2012 were as stupid as a person who would think the "Wonderful World of Cats" calendar in my kitchen would predicts the end of the world in 2012... because there's nothing on it past December 31, 2012?

We're going to continue to produce our "Final Battles" for ROLF!, just in case the world DOES end so you will have a chance to go out rollplaying. Here are the "Final Battles" that NUELOW Games released for August, September, and October.

FINAL BATTLE #7: DRAGON VS. TIGER--It's a well-known fact that Chinese dragons hate tigers, so can it really come as a surprise to anyone that Tiger Woods finds himself battling one on the golf course? This one brought the fun new Improv Master trait to ROLF! (because there's no other way to describe Jackie Chan, who joins Tiger Woods in this fight.)

FINAL BATTLE #8: R.L. McSTERLINGTHONG & NIKOLA TESLA VS. THE DAUGHTER OF SKULL-FACE--It's the most epic battle in the history of epicness! The man who IS fantasy teams up with the universe's greatest mad scientist to defeat the evil that is Skull-Face's daughter.

FINAL BATTLE #9: "BOND. JANE BOND."--Chinese dragons return to ROLF... but this time Britain's greatest secret agent and her License to Kill stand ready keep the ability to control them from falling into the wrong hands. Such as the hands of The Great Question.

Will there be a Final Battle #10? Time will tell, my friends. Time will tell... UNLESS IT RUNS OUT!!!!

The Man Who IS Fantasy comes to ROLF!

When the world is threatened by the Cult of Kathulos, only the combined might of the world's foremost fantasy author and man of adventure R.L. McSterlingthong and mad scientist Nikola Tesla can save us!

R.L. McSterlingthong and Nikolai Tesla vs. The Daughter of Skull-Face is a ROLF! supplment that's almost as epic as one R.L. McSterlingthong's novels. With game statistics for McSterlingthong, Tesla, the Daughter of Skull-Face, and Kathulos Cultists, and four linked battle scenarios, it features the same level of realism and careful research you have come to expect from NUELOW Games ever since we released ROLF!: The Death of Osama bin Laden.

 Click here to check out previews of R.L. McSterlingthong and Nikolai Tesla vs. The Daughter of Skull-Face, or to get your own copy for just $0.60, at RPGNow.com. For more on McSterlingthong and his writings, visit his Fan Page, or keep up with his exciting life on his personal Facebook Page.

If you want to catch up on who Kathulos is, and why there's a cult devoted to him, check out Robert E. Howard's Skull-Face.

ROLF!: The Final Battle (#1 - #6)

Back in December, we announced that we would be releasing a "Final Battle" for ROLF! every month this year... until the Mayan-predicted End of the World came upon us. (And it's gotta happen this year, right? New-Age Profiteers and Doomsday Cultists have to be right that the end of the Mayan calendar portends the end of the world, right? I mean... the calendar on my kitchen wall ends on December 31, 2012, too! So someone must have it right--either the Wise Ancients or the makers of the Cats calendar.)

And with all the confusion about exactly when the world would end, for all we know it could come sooner. It could come now. Or now. Or perhaps now. Or maybe next week.

Well, no matter what, we're past the halfway mark of 2012, and we're still here! To celebrate (and by request from a couple ROLF! players) we offer this listing of "Final Battles" so you can make sure you have them all and make sure that you're the proud owner of one of the last-ever releases from NUELOW Games.

FINAL BATTLE #1: THE GRIM REAPER vs. THE FERTILITY GODDESS -- It's the Mayan goddess Ix-Chel and Chuck Norris teaming up to fight Death Itself. This product introduced rules for making god-like characters in ROLF!

FINAL BATTLE #2: GEORGE WASHINGTON CARVER AND THE NUTS OF DOOM -- Only George Washington Carver, Master of Peanuts, can stop a broken-hearted mad scientist from destroying humanity by turning all women into ugly, stupid men. This product was both a Final Battle and a sequel to Black Kitten vs. June Collyer.

FINAL BATTLE #3: ESCAPE FROM EDEN -- When time-traveling Eco-Terrorists go to the Garden of Eden with the intent of killing Eve, only one man can stop them and save us all: Snake Plisskin. More thrilling than any John Carpenter film... more epic than any Cecil B. DeMille movie! Never has the story of Genesis been told in such a dramatic fashion!

FINAL BATTLE #4: THE DEATH OF ADOLF HITLER -- Time-traveling Nazi super-soldiers seek to stop a time-traveling Chuck Norris from killing Adolf Hitler. Only The Most Interesting Man in the World can save history (by time-traveling). Featuring the historic first-ever team-up between Chuck Norris and The Most Interesting Man in the World.

FINAL BATTLE #5: MAD SCIENTISTS GONE WILD! -- The air is thick with death rays when love-starved mad scientists battle over the heart of Dr. Floss, the prettiest woman to ever seek world domination. This product introduced rules for making death ray guns to ROLF!

FINAL BATTLE #6: POTS vs. PANS -- The final showdown between the pure-hearted heroes of PANS and the dastardly villains of POTS. This product introduced rules for making superheroes to ROLF!

Will there be a Final Battle #7? Only the Ancient Wise Mayans knew for sure! But if we're still around, it will be released in early August.

ROLF!: The Final Battle (#2)

Although an attack by gremlins delayed the release of the latest ROLF! supplement, we still got it out before the predicted End of the World.

Our second "Final Battle" product is the gloriously silly "George Washington Carver and the Nuts of Doom." Featuring stats for the scientific genius in the title, former United States President Jimmy Carter, three obscure Golden Age comic book characters, the Swedish Bikini Team, and Peanut Brutes--the unholy by-products of peanut-based science perverted for evil purposes--this product may well be the last thing NUELOW Games ever publishes. The world may end tomorrow for all we know, because the inferior modern researchers can't quite figure out how to read the calendar left by ancient peoples who sacrificed their neighbors in bloody rituals and never discovered the wheel.

So, click here to get your copy of this historic game product for just $0.50. While there's still some history left!

And look for another Final Battle at the end of March... if we make it far!

Latest ROLF! Supplement Available Now!

The Mayans predicted it! NUELOW Games wants to exploit it! The end of the world is coming (or so members of a wise, human-sacrificing ancient civilization tell us), so here's The Final Battle (#1 of 12): The Grim Reaper vs. The Fertility Goddess!

This supplement for ROLF!: The Rollplaying Game of Big Dumb Fighters features three pre-generated characters, a new Trait, a new Spelling, and three Combat Scenarios that feature Ix-Chel the Fertility Goddess vs. Death, Chuck Norris vs. Death, and Chuck Norris vs. Ix-Chel the Fertility Goddess.

Click here to get your copy today for just $0.50... before the world ends!