Thursday, December 22, 2011

When Drunken Santas Attack: A ROLF! Christmas Battle

Apparently, a bunch of low-lifes decided to give Santa a bad name when "thousands of drunken Santas terrorized Lower Manhattan [...] earlier this month."

Santa's daughter Sugar Plum,
modeling how proper Santas behave.
Under the headline "Drunken Santas Terrorized Lower Manhattan During SantaCon, Locals Say" a news article described drunken Santa rampages that, among other things, included much public urination.

My first thought upon reading it was, "How can they be sure it wasn't just another spin-off of the Occupy [Insert Random Location Here] Movement? Was it the red hats?"

My second thought was, "There's a ROLF! scenario in this."

And here it is! Merry Christmas, my friends!

A ROLF! Combat Scenario for 2 - 4 Players

Santa Claus' youngest daughter Sugar Plum and her good friend Christian Arab-Israeli bikini model Huda are Christmas shopping in Lower Manhattan when six loud, foul-mouthed men dressed like Santa come rushing at them.
"Hey, babes... wanna lick Santa's candy cane?" one shouts, the smell of cheap booze wafting off him.

Sugar Plum and Huda must defend the honor of the real Santa by kicking the crap out of these miscreants.

This Combat Maneuver is possessed by the Drunken Santas in his scenario, but any uncouth male character you choose to create may select it.

Precision Urination (Male Only): The character is able to direct a sustained urine stream with uncanny accuracy. May be used at Ranged Distance, but the ATT check must be rolled successfully on 3d6 instead of the usual 2d6. The target must make a successful Body ATT check or lose 1 point of Body and and all remaining Actions that round. ATT BODY.

Here are the characters used in "When Drunken Santas Attack."

HUDA (stats taken from "The Breast Hope for Peace")
Brawn is 33; Body is 18; Brains is 10.
Traits: Nimble, Too Sexy for My Shirt
Combat Maneuvers: Basic Attack, Bitch Slap, Disarm, Dodge, Furious Fists, Seduce, Signature Move, Strike Pose, The Look, Run Away.
Important Stuff Worn/Wielded: Sexy High Fashion-wear (Clothes). Bag Full of Christmas Presents (Regular-sized Melee Weapon. Deals 3 points of damage.)

SUGAR PLUM (stats taken from "Santa vs. Santos vs. Jesus")
Brawn is 20; Body is 20; Brains is 7.
Traits: Busty, Jolly, Nimble
Combat Maneuvers: Basic Attack, Dodge, Infectious Good Cheer, Seduce, Strike Pose, Spelling (Lucky Number Seven, Shafting).
Important Stuff Worn/Wielded: Fur-lined Booties, Santa Hat (Armor. Absorbs 1 point of damage), Bikini-style Santa Suit (Armor. Absorbs 2 point of damage, Regular-sized Present (Melee OR one-shot Ranged Weapon. Deals 2 points of damage. One shot.) Two small Presents (Ranged Weapon. 1 point of damage. One shot each.)

NYPD RIOT COP (stats modifed from "The Pimp, The Protester, and the Po-Po")
Brawn is 31; Body is 14; Brains is 6.
Traits: Coldhearted
Combat Maneuvers: Basic Attack, Castrate, Disembowel, Dodge, Do Lunch, Pimp Slap.
Important Stuff Worn/Wielded: Riot Gear. (Armor. Absorbs up to 5 points of damage.). Night Stick (Small Melee Weapon. Does 2 points of damage. Pepper Spray (Small Melee Weapon. Ignores armor. Does 1 point of damage and target must roll a successful Body ATT check or be unable to use any Combat Maneuvers for 1d6+1 rounds.), Taser (Small Melee Weapon. Ignores armor. Deals 3 points of damage.)

DRUNKEN SANTA (stats original to this combat scenario)
Brawn is 11; Body is 10; Brains is 3.
Traits: Dumb
Combat Maneuvers: Basic Attack, Precision Urination, Strategic Bleeding.
Important Stuff Worn/Wielded: Santa Suit stained with beer and unidentifiable substances (Clothes). Pabst Six Pack (Small Melee Weapon. Deals 2 points of damage.)

This scenario is intended for at least three gamers. It features Sugar Plum, Huda, Six Drunken Santas, and Two NYPD Riot Cops.

Sugar Plum and Huda are each controlled by a different gamer, while the Drunken Santas and NYPD Riot Cops can be controlled by one or two other gamers, depending on whether three or four gamers are at the table. If four are playing, then the Drunken Santas and NYPD Riot Cops are divided in two groups of three Santas and two NYPD Riot Cops respectively, each controlled by a different gamer.)

Sugar Plum and Huda initially each face three Drunken Santas initially, for a total of six. When only two of those Santas are left standing, two NYPD Riot Cops show up to break up the fight, batons and pepper-spray at the ready. One of the remaining Drunken Santas then becomes an ally of Sugar Plum and the other joins Huda.
The battle continues until both Sugar Plum and Huda or all the Santas and Cops are defeated.

(BTW... "When Drunken Santas Attack" is a work of fiction. Any similarity to real people, places, and events without satirical intent is purely coincidental. Copyright 2011 Steve Miller. All Rights Reserved. Although you're welcome to copy-and-paste the text if you feel like playing the scenario and doing so will make it easier for you.)

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