Thursday, March 29, 2012

NUELOW Games relocating to Wadiya

His Excellency Admiral General Aladeen is such a big fan of NUELOW Games products that he has bought us out. He has also generously offered to relocate the entirety of NUELOW Games' staff (L.L. Hundal, Steve Miller, and Steve's two cats) to beautiful Wadiya. His offer is so generous and the Republic of Wadiya so wonderful a place that we simply could not refuse, so as of early May of this year, we'll be producing games from a palace overlooking the Sudanese border..

Click here for more information on our new home.

NUELOW's patron Aladeen, his bodyguards,
and the ashes of departed Dear Leader Kim Jong Il.

(In all seriousness, we at NUELOW Games think "The Dictator," Sasha Baron Cohen's forthcoming picture looks like it has the potential to be the funniest film of 2012. And that's saying a lot, given that both Hundal and Miller had given up hope for Cohen after the sleazy, unfunny snooze-fest that was "Bruno."

Here's the first preview for the film:

And here's the second preview that was released yesterday... it gives more insight into the nature of the film. It sort of feels like "Postal" Meets "Coming to America." But without Crotchy Dolls or Eddie Murphy.

"The Dictator" opens in the U.S. on May 11, 2012. The NUELOW Games staff intends to be at one of the first screenings (minus Steve's cats... they hate comedies)!

Tuesday, March 27, 2012

Very First First Family!

Coming this week for ROLF! - Final Battle #3: Escape From Eden. As a kinda-sorta preview, we hereby present the game stats for the first First Family!

(And you may ask, "How can the most peaceful place to ever exist POSSIBLY be the subject of a ROLF! Battle Scenario?" Wait and see... wait and see!)

ADAM (Male)
Brawn: 14; Body: 18; Brains: 3
Traits: Dumb, Nimble
Combat Maneuvers: Basic Attack, Run Away, Strategic Bleeding

EVE (Female)
Brawn: 12; Body: 18; Brains: 3
Traits: Dumb, Nimble
Combat Maneuvers: Basic Attack, Run Away, Seduce

Adam (right) and Eve, the Father and Mother of Us All!

Monday, March 26, 2012

Ripped from the headlines! (Plus a new Trait for ROLF!)

Sometimes, reality makes you want to ROLF!

WEST COVINA (CBS) — A medical marijuana deliveryman was still shaken up on Monday after what he described as a robbery by two men allegedly dressed as ninja warriors.

You can read more by clicking here, or you can grab some fatties, some dice, and use the following pre-generated characters to play the ROLF! battle "Kumar vs. the Ninja!"

A ROLF! Battle Scenario for Two Players

Kumar is on his way back from the corner store with some "medicinal marijuana" when he is attacked by a Ninja. The fight continues until Kumar or the Ninja is defeated

Perpetually Stoned: No one knows how he does it, but he always has a doobie ready to be fired up. He is NEVER not stoned. The character never rolls initiative, as he never acts first in battle, but he is so mellow and prone to roll with the punches that all damage he suffers is reduced by 2 points (minimum 0) before any doubling effects or Combat Maneuvers are applied.

KUMAR (Male)
Brawn 16, Body 15, Brains 4
Traits: Perpetually Stoned
Combat Maneuvers: Basic Attack, Do Lunch, Kung Fu Face, Murderous Mitts
Important Stuff Worn/Wielded: Nothing... except that precious, precious bag of weed!

Brawn: 17; Body: 15; Brains: 5
Traits: Egomaniac, Ninja
Combat Maneuvers: Basic Attack, Dodge, Furious Fists, Double Strike, Spelling (Puff of Smoke).
Important Stuff Worn/Wielded: Ninja Hoody and Footy Jammies (Armor. Absorbs 1 point of damage). Sword (Average-sized Melee Weapon. Deals 3 points of damage). Ninja Throwing Star (Ranged Weapon. Ignores Armor. One shot. Deals 2 points of damage).

Wednesday, March 21, 2012

The Return of Oetzi the Ice Man!

The first full-blown supplement for ROLF!: The Rollplaying Game of Big Dumb Fighters was "Icing Oetzi," a little tribute to the frozen mummy found in the Italian Alps nick-named Oetzi the Iceman. It appears we here at NUELOW Games aren't the only ones fascinated by him. as exhibited by "Iceman" by the Amy Burvall and the Historyteachers.

And while we're here, go ahead and check out "Here Come the Huns Again"...

... "Beowulf" (This one is particularly fun, for several subtle reasons)...

... "Vikings"...

... "Charlemagne"...

... "Illuminated Manuscripts"...

... and "Gutenberg."

Amy Burvall

Saturday, March 17, 2012

St. Paddy's Day Specials!

Pulp fiction writer Robert E. Howard was very proud of his Irish heritage, and he created several characters that let him celebrate it. In observance of Saint Patrick's Day, we here at NUELOW Games are offering some of our products featuring his "Fighting Irish" characters at a discount.

These offers are only available if you use the links below, and they are only valid through Tuesday 3/20. Put on your shamrock reading glasses and enjoy these e-books (either before you hit the pub, or after you've sobered up)!

Fists of Foolishness features ten action-packed misadventures of Steve Costigan, an Irish American sailor who is always spoiling for a good fight. The ebook anthology also includes a complete roleplaying game, "The Violent Worlds of Robert E. Howard." Normally $3.75, you can get it for just $1.00 by clicking here.

The Deadly Sword of Cormac contains two novelettes detailing the adventures of 12th century Irish outcast and crusader knight Cormac FitzGeoffrey. Normally priced at $1.75, this ebook (featuring cover art by Larry Elmore) can be yours for just $1.00 by clicking here.

"Steve Costigan and the Thief of Youth" is an RPG adventure that can either be played solo or used with ROLF! or "The Deadly Worlds of Robert E. Howard. Step into Steve Costigan's workboots as he fights to save a group of orphans and still make it to his scheduled prize fight on time. Usually priced at $0.50, it can be yours for free by clicking here.

Thursday, March 15, 2012

ROLF!: Lady Gaga vs. the Banshee

With Saint Patrick Day fast approaching, we present a Battle Scenario that pits Lady Gaga against that most famous of Irish monsters--the Banshee.

A ROLF! Battle Scenario for Two Gamers

Lady Gaga has decided that she must master the art of singing like banshee. So, she has gone to a ruined castle on an isolated, windswept Irish moor to confront the Banshee who dwells there and force her to reveal the secret of mastering the Banshee Wail.


LADY GAGA (Female)
Brawn: 20 (+1 Hat Bonus included), Body: 17, Brains: 7.
Traits: Nimble, Same Sex Preference, Too Sexy for My Shirt
Combat Maneuvers: Basic Attack, Dance Move, Furious Fists, The Look, Strike Pose, Seduce, Yodel.
Important Stuff Worn/Wielded: Bizarre, Sexy Outfits (Clothes), Thigh-high Boots (Armor OR Leggings, Absorbs 1 point of damage.), Weird Hat (+1 Brawn Bonus, different-looking hat each battle).

Lady Gaga

Brawn 13; Body 14; Brains 5
Traits: Dead, Nimble
Combat Maneuvers: Basic Attack, Banshee Wail, Seduce, Spelling (Bad Touch, Die Die Die!)
Special Note: The Banshee can use her Banshee Wail combat maneuver to cause the following effects once per Battle each: A. All characters in the fight (except the Banshee) must make a successful Brawn ATT check or have their current Brawn total reduced by half; Brawn lost in this way is NOT restored between Scenarios. B. She can fill all characters in the fight (except the Banshee) with a sorrow so great they decide to kill themselves. The characters turn their weapons on themselves keep attacking themselves until they make a successful Brains check.

The Banshee

Nothing fancy here... Lady Gaga and the Banshee fight until one of them is defeated. If the Banshee loses, Lady Gaga learns the Bashee Wail... and she will, quite literally, knock her fans dead with her next single.

Lady Gaga vs. the Banshee is a work of fiction. Any similarity to real people, living or dead, without satirical purpose is purely coincidental.
Text Copyright 2011 NUELOW Games, but you can always copy the text to make a print out for personal use if you like. Or you can just play it on your nifty iPad thingie.

Monday, March 12, 2012

I MUST figure out how to work these folks into a game product!

And now... the Ukulele Orchestra of Great Britain, and the new official providers of soundtracks for ROLF! games.

"The Devil's Gallop"

The Theme from "Shaft"

The Theme from "The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly"

"Smells Like Teen Spirit"

Thursday, March 8, 2012

The ROLF! International Women's Day Celebration

It's International Women's Day, and we here at NUELOW Games are celebrating. Steve is hitting on every international woman he finds, and L.L. Hundal is taking the day off to sit on the couch, while watching "The View" and "The Maury Povich Show" and eating Bon-Bons.

And, of course, we're offering this celebration of International Woman's Day, in this the year of the 100th anniversary of the Girl Scouts. (All blame for these characters and combat scenarios should be assigned to L.L. Hundal. This is one case where Steve Miller will NOT take the blame!)


A ROLF! Battle Scenario for 2 Players by L.L. Hundal

Mel the Girl Scout Leader was thrilled when she was invited to the office of former U.S. President Bill Clinton in order to celebrate not only International Woman's Day, but also the 100th anniversary of the founding of the Girl Scouts. She soon learned that Bill was looking for a different sort of thrill... and when he offered her the same position that Monica Lewisky had once filled, she knew she had to Be Prepared to Run Away!

This combat scenario is designed for two gamers, with one gamer controlling Bill Clinton and another controlling Mel and Hillary.

Pre-Generated Characters
Brawn: 23; Body: 14; Brains: 6
Traits: Egomaniac, Limousine Liberal, Irrepresible Optimist
Combat Maneuvers: Basic Attack, Debate Philosophy, Murderous Mitts, Seduction, Strike Pose, Run Away!
Important Stuff Worn/Wielded: Expensive Suit (Clothes), Cigar-case (Single-shot Ranged Weapon. Deals 1 point of dmg).

Bill Clinton, Presidential Horndog

Brawn: 25; Body: 13; Brains: 6
Traits: Dour
Combat Maneuvers: Basic Attack, Castrate, Debate Philosophy, Furious Fists, Run Away!, Signature Move
Important Stuff Worn/Wielded: Expensive Pants Suit (Clothes), Bust of Elanor Roosevelt (Large Melee Weapon. Deals 4 points of dmg).

Hillary Clinton, Wife of the Horndog

Brawn: 20; Body: 17; Brains: 5
Traits: Irrepresible Optimist, Nimble
Combat Maneuvers: Basic Attack, Disembowel, Furious Fists, Run Away!, Walk and Chew Gum
Important Stuff Worn/Wielded: Girl Scout Uniform (Clothes), Girl Scout Shash with Badges (Armor OR Weapon. When Worn, it functions as Armor, absorbs 1 point of dmg. When wielded it functions as a Melee Weapon, dealing 2 points of dmg).

Mel the Girl Scout

The Combat Scenario
The combat scenario begins with Bill chasing Mel around the desk in his office. Mel can attempt to end the combat by using Run Away!, but Bill can counter her attempts by successfully using the Run Away! combat maneuver.

If Mel should fall victim to Bill's Seduction combat maneuver, be reduced to 0 Brawn through combat, or manage to Run Away!, Mel's player takes control of Hillary Clinton... who bursts onto the scene at the end of that ruond to visit wrathful vengenace on her husband and, if need be, save the hapless Girl Scout.

If Hillary should be defeated, Mel returns to attack Bill. Her Irrepressible Optimist trait has been replaced with Dour if this occurs.

The battle continues until Bill Clinton or both ladies are defeated.

Bill Clinton Celebrates International Women's Day with a Girl Scout is a work of fiction. Any similarity to real people, living or dead, without satirical purpose is purely coincidential. (We really have no idea who is on those pictures we've posted... and that's our story and we're sticking to it!)
Text Coyright 2011 NUELOW Games, but you can always copy the text to make a print out for personal use if you like. Or you can just play it on your nifty iPad thingie. We wish someone would celebrate International Women's Day by giving us iPads....)

Friday, March 2, 2012

ROLF!: The Final Battle (#2)

Although an attack by gremlins delayed the release of the latest ROLF! supplement, we still got it out before the predicted End of the World.

Our second "Final Battle" product is the gloriously silly "George Washington Carver and the Nuts of Doom." Featuring stats for the scientific genius in the title, former United States President Jimmy Carter, three obscure Golden Age comic book characters, the Swedish Bikini Team, and Peanut Brutes--the unholy by-products of peanut-based science perverted for evil purposes--this product may well be the last thing NUELOW Games ever publishes. The world may end tomorrow for all we know, because the inferior modern researchers can't quite figure out how to read the calendar left by ancient peoples who sacrificed their neighbors in bloody rituals and never discovered the wheel.

So, click here to get your copy of this historic game product for just $0.50. While there's still some history left!

And look for another Final Battle at the end of March... if we make it far!