Jesus vs. Zombies: A ROLF! Easter Celebration

Nothing goes better with Easter than Jesus and Zombies... well, except maybe Jesus and Easter Eggs. Or maybe Jesus and Ham Dinner. Or maybe...

At any rate, here's the ROLF! Easter Celebration. Feel free to copy and print out as you wish, should you want to play it.

Easter Battle: Jesus vs. Zombies
By Steve Miller (Artwork by Jeff Preston.)

There's no more room in the Hell, so on Easter Sunday, the dead are rise from their graves to walk the Earth and feast on the flesh of the living. Jesus, being annoyed because he had been telling Satan to open a new condo development ever since Osama bin Laden first uttered the phrase "al-Qaeda," descends to Earth to kick some zombie butt until Satan solves Hell's housing crisis.

The Savior Jesus Christ battles five zombies in this Battle Scenario. The battle continues until Jesus or the zombies are defeated.

Jesus Christ, Zombie Killer

JESUS CHRIST, SON OF GOD (Male)
Brawn 23 (includes +1 Hat Bonus); Body 18; Brains 8.
Traits: Holier Than Thou, Sense of Honor, Too Sexy For My Shirt
Combat Maneuvers: Basic Attack, Blessed, Debate Philosophy, Disarm, Signature Move, Spelling (Be Healed!, Gain Combat Maneuver, Good Touch).
Important Stuff Worn/Wielded: Clothes, Sandals. Crown of Thorns (Hat. +1 to Brawn while worn).

STANDARD ZOMBIES (4)
Brawn is 12; Body is 8; Brains is 2
Traits: Dead, Mutant (Claws, Detachable Limbs, Teeth), Stinks
Combat Maneuvers: Basic Attack, Disembowel.
Important Stuff Worn/Wielded: Teeth (Natural Weapon; immune to Disarm. Melee. Ignores Armor. Deals 2 points of damage.), Sharp Claws (Natural Weapon; immune to Disarm. Melee. Does 3 points of damage.)

ZOMBIE MICHAEL JACKSON
Brawn is 20; Body is 16; Brains is 5
Traits: Dead, Mutant (Claws, Detachable Limbs, Teeth), Stinks
Combat Maneuvers: Basic Attack, Dance Move, Disembowel, Seduce (+2 modifier to ATT check), Yodel.
Important Stuff Worn/Wielded: Teeth (Natural Weapon; immune to Disarm. Melee. Ignores Armor. Deals 2 points of damage.), Sharp Claws (Natural Weapon; immune to Disarm. Melee. Does 3 points of damage.)

The characters featured in this Battle Scenario were originally presented in the ROLF! supplements Santa vs. Santos vs. Jesus and Herbert West vs. the Zombies, and on this blog. For more exciting Easter battle action featuring Jesus, check out Night of the Easter Bunny!

Black Vulmea ala ROLF!

Just a little something from a project in works: Robert E. Howard's Black Vulmea ala ROLF!. (Illo by David Sharrock.)

BLACK VULMEA, IRISH PIRATE (Male)
Brawn 30, Body 17, Brains 5.
Traits: Too Sexy for My Shirt
Combat Maneuvers: Basic Attack, Disarm, Disembowel, Dodge, Run Away
Important Stuff Worn/Wielded: Cutlass (Medium Melee Weapon. Deals 3 points of damage). Flintlock Pistol (Ranged Weapon. Single Shot. Deals 2 points of damage. Can be reloaded by devoting an entire round to this action.), Thigh-high Boots (Armor. Absorbs 1 point of damage.).




Black Vulmea, Notrious Pirate Captain

 

Coming this week from 'NUELOW Games': DEATH TO IMMODEST WOMEN!' (Our first card game!)

From the people who brought you satirical mini-RPGs like ROLF!: The Rollplaying Game of Big Dumb Fighters, Steve Miller's 30-Minute Roleplaying Game, and Dyvil: First Edition (Jeff Grubb's 30-Minute Roleplaying Game) comes a brand-new, fast-paced card game for 2 to 6 players -- DEATH TO IMMODEST WOMEN!

With game design by the crack team of Steve Miller and L.L. Hundal, DEATH TO IMMODEST WOMEN! is based on the divinely inspired revelations of the modern-day Iranian prophet Hojatoleslam Kazem Sedigh. In April of 2010, Sedigh declared God, Allah, AND the Easter Bunny all hate the kust inspired by scantily clad women and that the divine beings express their anger by causing earthquakes. In the game, each player is a Holy Man who must the destroy Immodest Women played by other players before they destroy the Earth.

Here are some samples of the artwork from the game:

 

DEATH TO IMMODEST WOMEN will be available at quality hobby game stores this week for just $8.95. Each set contains 54 high-quality playing cards, a rule-booklet (containing rules for both the basic and advanced game), and a collection of the wise sayings of Hojatoleslam Kazem Sedigh. However, you can order your copy at a special 75% discount directly from NUELOW Games through this link.

NUELOW Games relocating to Wadiya

His Excellency Admiral General Aladeen is such a big fan of NUELOW Games products that he has bought us out. He has also generously offered to relocate the entirety of NUELOW Games' staff (L.L. Hundal, Steve Miller, and Steve's two cats) to beautiful Wadiya. His offer is so generous and the Republic of Wadiya so wonderful a place that we simply could not refuse, so as of early May of this year, we'll be producing games from a palace overlooking the Sudanese border..

Click here for more information on our new home.

NUELOW's patron Aladeen, his bodyguards,
and the ashes of departed Dear Leader Kim Jong Il.

(In all seriousness, we at NUELOW Games think "The Dictator," Sasha Baron Cohen's forthcoming picture looks like it has the potential to be the funniest film of 2012. And that's saying a lot, given that both Hundal and Miller had given up hope for Cohen after the sleazy, unfunny snooze-fest that was "Bruno."

Here's the first preview for the film:



And here's the second preview that was released yesterday... it gives more insight into the nature of the film. It sort of feels like "Postal" Meets "Coming to America." But without Crotchy Dolls or Eddie Murphy.



"The Dictator" opens in the U.S. on May 11, 2012. The NUELOW Games staff intends to be at one of the first screenings (minus Steve's cats... they hate comedies)!

Very First First Family!

Coming this week for ROLF! - Final Battle #3: Escape From Eden. As a kinda-sorta preview, we hereby present the game stats for the first First Family!

(And you may ask, "How can the most peaceful place to ever exist POSSIBLY be the subject of a ROLF! Battle Scenario?" Wait and see... wait and see!)

ADAM (Male)
Brawn: 14; Body: 18; Brains: 3
Traits: Dumb, Nimble
Combat Maneuvers: Basic Attack, Run Away, Strategic Bleeding

EVE (Female)
Brawn: 12; Body: 18; Brains: 3
Traits: Dumb, Nimble
Combat Maneuvers: Basic Attack, Run Away, Seduce

Adam (right) and Eve, the Father and Mother of Us All!

Ripped from the headlines! (Plus a new Trait for ROLF!)

Sometimes, reality makes you want to ROLF!

WEST COVINA (CBS) — A medical marijuana deliveryman was still shaken up on Monday after what he described as a robbery by two men allegedly dressed as ninja warriors.

You can read more by clicking here, or you can grab some fatties, some dice, and use the following pre-generated characters to play the ROLF! battle "Kumar vs. the Ninja!"



KUMAR VS. THE NINJA
A ROLF! Battle Scenario for Two Players

BACKGROUND
Kumar is on his way back from the corner store with some "medicinal marijuana" when he is attacked by a Ninja. The fight continues until Kumar or the Ninja is defeated

NEW TRAIT
Perpetually Stoned: No one knows how he does it, but he always has a doobie ready to be fired up. He is NEVER not stoned. The character never rolls initiative, as he never acts first in battle, but he is so mellow and prone to roll with the punches that all damage he suffers is reduced by 2 points (minimum 0) before any doubling effects or Combat Maneuvers are applied.

KUMAR (Male)
Brawn 16, Body 15, Brains 4
Traits: Perpetually Stoned
Combat Maneuvers: Basic Attack, Do Lunch, Kung Fu Face, Murderous Mitts
Important Stuff Worn/Wielded: Nothing... except that precious, precious bag of weed!

THE NINJA (Male)
Brawn: 17; Body: 15; Brains: 5
Traits: Egomaniac, Ninja
Combat Maneuvers: Basic Attack, Dodge, Furious Fists, Double Strike, Spelling (Puff of Smoke).
Important Stuff Worn/Wielded: Ninja Hoody and Footy Jammies (Armor. Absorbs 1 point of damage). Sword (Average-sized Melee Weapon. Deals 3 points of damage). Ninja Throwing Star (Ranged Weapon. Ignores Armor. One shot. Deals 2 points of damage).

The Return of Oetzi the Ice Man!

The first full-blown supplement for ROLF!: The Rollplaying Game of Big Dumb Fighters was "Icing Oetzi," a little tribute to the frozen mummy found in the Italian Alps nick-named Oetzi the Iceman. It appears we here at NUELOW Games aren't the only ones fascinated by him. as exhibited by "Iceman" by the Amy Burvall and the Historyteachers.




And while we're here, go ahead and check out "Here Come the Huns Again"...




... "Beowulf" (This one is particularly fun, for several subtle reasons)...



... "Vikings"...


... "Charlemagne"...


... "Illuminated Manuscripts"...


... and "Gutenberg."

Amy Burvall