NUELOW Games relocating to Wadiya

His Excellency Admiral General Aladeen is such a big fan of NUELOW Games products that he has bought us out. He has also generously offered to relocate the entirety of NUELOW Games' staff (L.L. Hundal, Steve Miller, and Steve's two cats) to beautiful Wadiya. His offer is so generous and the Republic of Wadiya so wonderful a place that we simply could not refuse, so as of early May of this year, we'll be producing games from a palace overlooking the Sudanese border..

Click here for more information on our new home.

NUELOW's patron Aladeen, his bodyguards,
and the ashes of departed Dear Leader Kim Jong Il.

(In all seriousness, we at NUELOW Games think "The Dictator," Sasha Baron Cohen's forthcoming picture looks like it has the potential to be the funniest film of 2012. And that's saying a lot, given that both Hundal and Miller had given up hope for Cohen after the sleazy, unfunny snooze-fest that was "Bruno."

Here's the first preview for the film:



And here's the second preview that was released yesterday... it gives more insight into the nature of the film. It sort of feels like "Postal" Meets "Coming to America." But without Crotchy Dolls or Eddie Murphy.



"The Dictator" opens in the U.S. on May 11, 2012. The NUELOW Games staff intends to be at one of the first screenings (minus Steve's cats... they hate comedies)!

Very First First Family!

Coming this week for ROLF! - Final Battle #3: Escape From Eden. As a kinda-sorta preview, we hereby present the game stats for the first First Family!

(And you may ask, "How can the most peaceful place to ever exist POSSIBLY be the subject of a ROLF! Battle Scenario?" Wait and see... wait and see!)

ADAM (Male)
Brawn: 14; Body: 18; Brains: 3
Traits: Dumb, Nimble
Combat Maneuvers: Basic Attack, Run Away, Strategic Bleeding

EVE (Female)
Brawn: 12; Body: 18; Brains: 3
Traits: Dumb, Nimble
Combat Maneuvers: Basic Attack, Run Away, Seduce

Adam (right) and Eve, the Father and Mother of Us All!

Ripped from the headlines! (Plus a new Trait for ROLF!)

Sometimes, reality makes you want to ROLF!

WEST COVINA (CBS) — A medical marijuana deliveryman was still shaken up on Monday after what he described as a robbery by two men allegedly dressed as ninja warriors.

You can read more by clicking here, or you can grab some fatties, some dice, and use the following pre-generated characters to play the ROLF! battle "Kumar vs. the Ninja!"



KUMAR VS. THE NINJA
A ROLF! Battle Scenario for Two Players

BACKGROUND
Kumar is on his way back from the corner store with some "medicinal marijuana" when he is attacked by a Ninja. The fight continues until Kumar or the Ninja is defeated

NEW TRAIT
Perpetually Stoned: No one knows how he does it, but he always has a doobie ready to be fired up. He is NEVER not stoned. The character never rolls initiative, as he never acts first in battle, but he is so mellow and prone to roll with the punches that all damage he suffers is reduced by 2 points (minimum 0) before any doubling effects or Combat Maneuvers are applied.

KUMAR (Male)
Brawn 16, Body 15, Brains 4
Traits: Perpetually Stoned
Combat Maneuvers: Basic Attack, Do Lunch, Kung Fu Face, Murderous Mitts
Important Stuff Worn/Wielded: Nothing... except that precious, precious bag of weed!

THE NINJA (Male)
Brawn: 17; Body: 15; Brains: 5
Traits: Egomaniac, Ninja
Combat Maneuvers: Basic Attack, Dodge, Furious Fists, Double Strike, Spelling (Puff of Smoke).
Important Stuff Worn/Wielded: Ninja Hoody and Footy Jammies (Armor. Absorbs 1 point of damage). Sword (Average-sized Melee Weapon. Deals 3 points of damage). Ninja Throwing Star (Ranged Weapon. Ignores Armor. One shot. Deals 2 points of damage).

The Return of Oetzi the Ice Man!

The first full-blown supplement for ROLF!: The Rollplaying Game of Big Dumb Fighters was "Icing Oetzi," a little tribute to the frozen mummy found in the Italian Alps nick-named Oetzi the Iceman. It appears we here at NUELOW Games aren't the only ones fascinated by him. as exhibited by "Iceman" by the Amy Burvall and the Historyteachers.




And while we're here, go ahead and check out "Here Come the Huns Again"...




... "Beowulf" (This one is particularly fun, for several subtle reasons)...



... "Vikings"...


... "Charlemagne"...


... "Illuminated Manuscripts"...


... and "Gutenberg."

Amy Burvall

St. Paddy's Day Specials!

Pulp fiction writer Robert E. Howard was very proud of his Irish heritage, and he created several characters that let him celebrate it. In observance of Saint Patrick's Day, we here at NUELOW Games are offering some of our products featuring his "Fighting Irish" characters at a discount.

These offers are only available if you use the links below, and they are only valid through Tuesday 3/20. Put on your shamrock reading glasses and enjoy these e-books (either before you hit the pub, or after you've sobered up)!

Fists of Foolishness features ten action-packed misadventures of Steve Costigan, an Irish American sailor who is always spoiling for a good fight. The ebook anthology also includes a complete roleplaying game, "The Violent Worlds of Robert E. Howard." Normally $3.75, you can get it for just $1.00 by clicking here.

The Deadly Sword of Cormac contains two novelettes detailing the adventures of 12th century Irish outcast and crusader knight Cormac FitzGeoffrey. Normally priced at $1.75, this ebook (featuring cover art by Larry Elmore) can be yours for just $1.00 by clicking here.

"Steve Costigan and the Thief of Youth" is an RPG adventure that can either be played solo or used with ROLF! or "The Deadly Worlds of Robert E. Howard. Step into Steve Costigan's workboots as he fights to save a group of orphans and still make it to his scheduled prize fight on time. Usually priced at $0.50, it can be yours for free by clicking here.

ROLF!: Lady Gaga vs. the Banshee

With Saint Patrick Day fast approaching, we present a Battle Scenario that pits Lady Gaga against that most famous of Irish monsters--the Banshee.

LADY GAGA VS. THE BANSHEE

A ROLF! Battle Scenario for Two Gamers

BACKGROUND
Lady Gaga has decided that she must master the art of singing like banshee. So, she has gone to a ruined castle on an isolated, windswept Irish moor to confront the Banshee who dwells there and force her to reveal the secret of mastering the Banshee Wail.


PRE-GENERATED CHARACTERS

LADY GAGA (Female)
Brawn: 20 (+1 Hat Bonus included), Body: 17, Brains: 7.
Traits: Nimble, Same Sex Preference, Too Sexy for My Shirt
Combat Maneuvers: Basic Attack, Dance Move, Furious Fists, The Look, Strike Pose, Seduce, Yodel.
Important Stuff Worn/Wielded: Bizarre, Sexy Outfits (Clothes), Thigh-high Boots (Armor OR Leggings, Absorbs 1 point of damage.), Weird Hat (+1 Brawn Bonus, different-looking hat each battle).

Lady Gaga

THE BANSHEE OF SCATH REILIG NA (Female)
Brawn 13; Body 14; Brains 5
Traits: Dead, Nimble
Combat Maneuvers: Basic Attack, Banshee Wail, Seduce, Spelling (Bad Touch, Die Die Die!)
Special Note: The Banshee can use her Banshee Wail combat maneuver to cause the following effects once per Battle each: A. All characters in the fight (except the Banshee) must make a successful Brawn ATT check or have their current Brawn total reduced by half; Brawn lost in this way is NOT restored between Scenarios. B. She can fill all characters in the fight (except the Banshee) with a sorrow so great they decide to kill themselves. The characters turn their weapons on themselves keep attacking themselves until they make a successful Brains check.

The Banshee

THE BATTLE SCENARIO
Nothing fancy here... Lady Gaga and the Banshee fight until one of them is defeated. If the Banshee loses, Lady Gaga learns the Bashee Wail... and she will, quite literally, knock her fans dead with her next single.


Lady Gaga vs. the Banshee is a work of fiction. Any similarity to real people, living or dead, without satirical purpose is purely coincidental.
Text Copyright 2011 NUELOW Games, but you can always copy the text to make a print out for personal use if you like. Or you can just play it on your nifty iPad thingie.

I MUST figure out how to work these folks into a game product!

And now... the Ukulele Orchestra of Great Britain, and the new official providers of soundtracks for ROLF! games.

"The Devil's Gallop"


The Theme from "Shaft"


The Theme from "The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly"


"Smells Like Teen Spirit"