Tuesday, December 16, 2014

THE Unauthorized Adaptation of 'The Interview'

The turd-eating bastards who hacked Sony's computer's have issued a threat of violence against theaters that screen The Interview. The threat (via Variety) is as follows:

Warning

We will clearly show it to you at the very time and places “The Interview” be shown, including the premiere, how bitter fate those who seek fun in terror should be doomed to.
Soon all the world will see what an awful movie Sony Pictures Entertainment has made.
The world will be full of fear.
Remember the 11th of September 2001.
We recommend you to keep yourself distant from the places at that time.
(If your house is nearby, you’d better leave.)
Whatever comes in the coming days is called by the greed of Sony Pictures Entertainment.
All the world will denounce the SONY.

More to come…

While Sony's lawyers are too busy suing news outlets for covering the leaks of emails, film scripts, and personal information about the studio's employees and contractors, we here at NUELOW Games are proud to present the ROLF! Adaptation of The Interview.

After you go see the film on opening night--because you're not going to let some fucking terrorists scare you into not seeing a movie, right... you're not even going to give them the satisfaction of claiming they scared you away, right?--you can relive the film or make up your own adventures using ROLF!: The Rollplaying Game of Big Dumb Fighters and these characters.


THE INTERVIEW: 
AN UNAUTHORIZED ROLLPLAYING GAME ADAPTATION
By Steve Miller 
(Characters Used Without Permission... or it wouldn't be unauthorized)


KIM JONG-UN (Male?)
Brawn 5, Body 7, Brains 3
  Traits: Improv Master
  Combat Maneuvers: Basic Attack, Murderous Mitts, Strike Pose
  Important Stuff Worn/Wielded: Snazzy Uniform (Armor. Absorbs 1 point of damage). Outrageous Hairdo (Provides a -1 modifier to Strike Pose ATT checks)




DAVE SKYLARK (Male)
Brawn 11, Body 14, Brains 5
  Traits: Cowardly, Dumb
  Combat Maneuvers: Basic Attack, Dodge, Run Away, Strike Pose, Withering Insult
  Important Stuff Worn/Wielded: Pistol (Small Ranged Weapon, Four shots. Deals 2 points of damage that ignore armor)




AARON RAPAPORT (Male)
Brawn 12, Body 11, Brains 6
  Traits: Improv Master, Nimble
  Combat Maneuvers: Basic Attack, Debate Philosophy, Double Strike, Disarm, Dodge, Seduce
  Important Stuff Worn/Wielded: Pistol (Small Ranged Weapon. Four Shots. Deals 2 points of damage that ignore armor)



AGENT LACEY (Female)
Brawn 14, Body 14, Brains 8
  Traits: Coldblooded, Dead-Eye
  Combat Maneuvers: Basic Attack, Disarm, Disembowel, Double Strike, Murderous Mitts, Seduce, Strike Pose, Sure Shot
  Important Stuff Worn/Wielded: Spy Gadgets (Two Small Weapons, each deals 2 points of damage, Melee OR Ranged)




SOOK (Female)
Brawn 15 (Includes +1 Hat Bonus), Body 15, Brains 6
  Traits: Improv Master, Nimble
  Combat Maneuvers: Backflip, Basic Attack, Castrate, Disarm, Dodge, Murderous Mitts\
  Important Stuff Worn/Wieded: Snazzy North Korean Military Uniform (Clothes, Thigh-High Boots (Armor, absorbs 1 point of damage), Uniform Cap (Hat, provides +1 Brawn while worn)



And for good measure, a bonus character!


DENNIS RODMAN (Male)
Brawn 18, Body 15, Brains 3
  Traits: Too Sexy for My Shirt, Nimble
  Combat Maneuvers: Basic Attack, Signature Move, Run Away
  Important Stuff Worn/Wielded: Massive Dildo (Medium Melee Weapon, deals 3 points of damage)




(For the record, we all here at NUELOW Central suspect this movie is absolute garbage. When the dickless wonders known to the worlds as the "Sony Hackers" say "soon the world will see what an awful movie Sony Entertainment Pictures has made," we believe them. But they've made sure that we will be going to see it. And we'll try to convince others to do the same. We knew that The Love Guru would suck, but we went to see that one, too. Look for Steve to post a review -- assuming it screens somewhere he can get to see it.)





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