When Drunken Santas Attack: A ROLF! Christmas Battle

Apparently, a bunch of low-lifes decided to give Santa a bad name when "thousands of drunken Santas terrorized Lower Manhattan [...] earlier this month."

Santa's daughter Sugar Plum,
modeling how proper Santas behave.

Under the headline "Drunken Santas Terrorized Lower Manhattan During SantaCon, Locals Say" a news article described drunken Santa rampages that, among other things, included much public urination.

My first thought upon reading it was, "How can they be sure it wasn't just another spin-off of the Occupy [Insert Random Location Here] Movement? Was it the red hats?"

My second thought was, "There's a ROLF! scenario in this."

And here it is! Merry Christmas, my friends!

WHEN DRUNKEN SANTAS ATTACK! 

A ROLF! Combat Scenario for 2 - 4 Players

BACKGROUND
Santa Claus' youngest daughter Sugar Plum and her good friend Christian Arab-Israeli bikini model Huda are Christmas shopping in Lower Manhattan when six loud, foul-mouthed men dressed like Santa come rushing at them.
"Hey, babes... wanna lick Santa's candy cane?" one shouts, the smell of cheap booze wafting off him.

Sugar Plum and Huda must defend the honor of the real Santa by kicking the crap out of these miscreants.

NEW COMBAT MANEUVER
This Combat Maneuver is possessed by the Drunken Santas in his scenario, but any uncouth male character you choose to create may select it.

Precision Urination (Male Only): The character is able to direct a sustained urine stream with uncanny accuracy. May be used at Ranged Distance, but the ATT check must be rolled successfully on 3d6 instead of the usual 2d6. The target must make a successful Body ATT check or lose 1 point of Body and and all remaining Actions that round. ATT BODY.

PRE-GENERATED CHARACTERS
Here are the characters used in "When Drunken Santas Attack."

HUDA (stats taken from "The Breast Hope for Peace")
Brawn is 33; Body is 18; Brains is 10.
Traits: Nimble, Too Sexy for My Shirt
Combat Maneuvers: Basic Attack, Bitch Slap, Disarm, Dodge, Furious Fists, Seduce, Signature Move, Strike Pose, The Look, Run Away.
Important Stuff Worn/Wielded: Sexy High Fashion-wear (Clothes). Bag Full of Christmas Presents (Regular-sized Melee Weapon. Deals 3 points of damage.)

SUGAR PLUM (stats taken from "Santa vs. Santos vs. Jesus")
Brawn is 20; Body is 20; Brains is 7.
Traits: Busty, Jolly, Nimble
Combat Maneuvers: Basic Attack, Dodge, Infectious Good Cheer, Seduce, Strike Pose, Spelling (Lucky Number Seven, Shafting).
Important Stuff Worn/Wielded: Fur-lined Booties, Santa Hat (Armor. Absorbs 1 point of damage), Bikini-style Santa Suit (Armor. Absorbs 2 point of damage, Regular-sized Present (Melee OR one-shot Ranged Weapon. Deals 2 points of damage. One shot.) Two small Presents (Ranged Weapon. 1 point of damage. One shot each.)

NYPD RIOT COP (stats modifed from "The Pimp, The Protester, and the Po-Po")
Brawn is 31; Body is 14; Brains is 6.
Traits: Coldhearted
Combat Maneuvers: Basic Attack, Castrate, Disembowel, Dodge, Do Lunch, Pimp Slap.
Important Stuff Worn/Wielded: Riot Gear. (Armor. Absorbs up to 5 points of damage.). Night Stick (Small Melee Weapon. Does 2 points of damage. Pepper Spray (Small Melee Weapon. Ignores armor. Does 1 point of damage and target must roll a successful Body ATT check or be unable to use any Combat Maneuvers for 1d6+1 rounds.), Taser (Small Melee Weapon. Ignores armor. Deals 3 points of damage.)

DRUNKEN SANTA (stats original to this combat scenario)
Brawn is 11; Body is 10; Brains is 3.
Traits: Dumb
Combat Maneuvers: Basic Attack, Precision Urination, Strategic Bleeding.
Important Stuff Worn/Wielded: Santa Suit stained with beer and unidentifiable substances (Clothes). Pabst Six Pack (Small Melee Weapon. Deals 2 points of damage.)


THE COMBAT SCENARIO
This scenario is intended for at least three gamers. It features Sugar Plum, Huda, Six Drunken Santas, and Two NYPD Riot Cops.

Sugar Plum and Huda are each controlled by a different gamer, while the Drunken Santas and NYPD Riot Cops can be controlled by one or two other gamers, depending on whether three or four gamers are at the table. If four are playing, then the Drunken Santas and NYPD Riot Cops are divided in two groups of three Santas and two NYPD Riot Cops respectively, each controlled by a different gamer.)

THE BATTLE
Sugar Plum and Huda initially each face three Drunken Santas initially, for a total of six. When only two of those Santas are left standing, two NYPD Riot Cops show up to break up the fight, batons and pepper-spray at the ready. One of the remaining Drunken Santas then becomes an ally of Sugar Plum and the other joins Huda.
The battle continues until both Sugar Plum and Huda or all the Santas and Cops are defeated.



(BTW... "When Drunken Santas Attack" is a work of fiction. Any similarity to real people, places, and events without satirical intent is purely coincidental. Copyright 2011 Steve Miller. All Rights Reserved. Although you're welcome to copy-and-paste the text if you feel like playing the scenario and doing so will make it easier for you.)

A Merry Christmas to All... and to All a Good Fight!

NUELOW Games' editor and the co-creator of ROLF!: The Rollplaying Game of Big Dumb Fighters, L.L. Hundal, loves Christmas. It's therefore no surprise that she would be the driving force behind the creation of a rollplaying game sequel to Santa Claus Conquers the Martians.

L.L Hundal, Steve Miller, and NUELOW Games proudly share our Christmas turkey with you--ROLF!: Revenge of the Martians.

We want to give this ROLF! supplement to friends of NUELOW Games as a Christmas present. Click on this link, and you can download your very own free copy. (The free offer is good through December 26, 2011.)

It includes six linked battle scenarios, and all the characters and combat maneuvers and traits and pre-generated characters you've come to expect in a ROLF! supplement--but this release also introduces the brand-new vehicle design and combat system, allowing your to add a whole new level of mayhem to your ROLF! games.

Kim Jong Il has died at the age of 69

A tearful announcer on North Korean television reported the death of that nation's Dear Leader today. The cause of death was given as "overwork" spurred by a "lifetime of dedication to his people."

Some sources indicated that Kim was riding on a train at the time of his death, taking part in a Rap Battle against Mahmoud Ahmadinejad of Iran to finally settle the dispute over which of them was craziest, and that the strain of 23 hours of straight rapping was too much for him.

Whatever the true cause of Kim's death, he has now joined the cast of characters for "Houseboat on the River Styx", so now he can REALLY be in an Epic Rap Battle of History.



ROLF! game stats for Kim Jong Il appeared in "ROLF!: The Breast Hope for Peace". (Ahmadinejad's stats also appear in that product, along with numerous other characters... so you can re-purpose the material to create a game scenario around the REAL Lil' Kim's final stand at the mic.)

Observing the anniversary of Mozart's passing on December 5.

Together on stage for the first time -- Michael Jackson! Jimi Hendrix! Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart! With a special appearance by Ophelia on the cowbell!

It promises to be the biggest musical night EVER, as Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart invites the Associated Shades of Hades to a special pay-at-the-door concert is celebration of his birthday and deathday with the premiere performance of his latest composition... but will he and his fellow musicians be reduced to blobs of ectoplasms by the jealousy-motivated attack from Tiny Tim and the Three Sirens before they can play the first note?

"Serenade for Sirens in G Major" is a new battle scenario for ROLF!: The Rollplaying Game of Big Dumb Fighters, and it is being released in observance of the anniversary of Mozart's death on December 5. It features six pre-generated characters (Mozart, Jimi Hendrix, Michael Jackson, Tiny Tim, the Three Sirens, and Ophelia) and six new Combat Maneuvers (including Dance Move and Power Chord).

But I grant that it might need more cowbell.

"Serenade for Sirens in G Major" is available for $0.50 from RPGNow.com and DriveThruRPG.com.

Here's a treat... the video for the original 1985 version of Falco's "Rock Me Amadeus." The bit with Mozart partying in the biker bar is a definite ROLF!/Houseboat on the River Styx moment!



And further... here are ROLF! stats for Flaco, who died in a traffic accident on Feb. 2, 1998. Perhaps he can come to Mozart's rescue if things go badly against Tiny Tim and the Sirens, or maybe he can replace Michael Jackson in the combat scenario.

Falco (Male)
Body: 22, Body: 14, Brains: 5
Traits: Nimble
Combat Maneuvers: Basic Attack, Double Strike, Strike Pose, Walk and Chew Gum, Yodel.
Important Stuff Worn/Wielded: Clothes (Dapper Tuxedo), Microphone Stand (Large Melee Weapon. Deals 3 points of damage.)

November best-sellers for NUELOW Games

Here are the best-selling titles for NUELOW Games this month. Our sales were not quite as strong as in October, and I don't think the Thanksgiving sale made a difference one way or the other; our prices are already so low that knocking a bit off the price won't entice anyone that wasn't going to buy anyway.

Next year, i think I'll just say, "Look! We've got stuff on sale for Black Friday!" (because we've got stuff on sale every day as it is....)

Still, it was a decent month... and I thank you all for your support. Please stick around.

Also, if you've got a short, rules-light RPG, get in touch. We'd love to add some gaming variety to our line-up.

NUELOW Games Best-sellers for November

1. ROLF!: Nine Days of the Ninja, by Steve Miller (Game Supplement)

2. Shanghaied Mitts, by Robert E. Howard (Short story collection)

3. ROLF!: Playwrights and Piledrivers, by Steve Miller (Game Supplement)

4. ROLF!: Day of the Turkey, by Steve Miller (Game Supplement)

5. Fists of Foolishness, including the Violent Worlds of Robert E. Howard RPG, by Robert E. Howard, Steve Miller, and L.L. Hundal (Fiction anthology/Core game)

6. ROLF!: The Rollplaying Game of Big Dumb Fighters, by L.L. Hundal and Steve Miller (Core game)

7. ROLF!: Supermodel Slapfest, by L.L. Hundal and Steve Miller (Game Supplement)

8. ROLF!: Icing Oetzi, by Steve Miller and L.L. Hundal (Game Supplement)

9. ROLF!: Gaddafi's Angels, by Steve Miller and L.L. Hundal (Game Supplement)

10. ROLF!: Herbert West vs. the Zombies, by Steve Miller (Game Supplement)

Cyber Monday sale details (deal tales?)

"They're THAT cheap now?!"
(NUELOW Games' staff artist Karl M. reacting to the sales prices)

Through the end of Monday, November 28, the fiction anthologies I've produced for NUELOW Games are on sale at a reduced price, what with it being "Cyber Monday" and all. This is also in celebration of the newly launched DriveThruFiction.com website, which is the exclusive outlet for NUELOW Games' pdf-format fiction anthologies.



Each of these ebooks (great for reading on the iPad or even an iPod Touch, and compatible with some models of the Amazon's Kindle) are currently priced at $1.50, no matter what the usual sales price is.

Click the titles below for more information on each book, and to purchase your copy for download. Help feed my hungry cats during this holday season, and get yourself some excellent reading material in the process!

Alice in Blunderland by John Kendrick Bangs (Humor/Political Satire): The Mad Hatter takes Alice for a visit in the perfect city he's founded... a place where everyone is perfect, because the laws are made to make politicians look good, to keep the rich prosperous, and the powerful powerful. (Sound like anywhere you know?)

Houseboat on the River Styx by John Kendrick Bangs and Steve Miller (Humor/Fantasy): A classic work of humor takes on new life as writer/editor Steve Miller "remasters" Bangs' "A Houseboat on the River Styx" and "In Pursuit of the Houseboat" into a single outrageous volume. Every owner of the book is garuenteed membership in the Associated Shades of Hades once they "cross over." Just don't tell William Shakespeare that "everything is better with Bacon" when you arrive.

Fists of Foolishness: The Tales of Sea-faring Boxing Champ Steve Costigan by Robert E. Howard (Humor/Adventure): Journey back to the 1920s and the seedy waterfront districts of the world's port towns for ten comedic misadventures from the typewriter and mind of the creator of Conan the Barbarian. Includes a complete roleplaying game, "The Violent Worlds of Robert E. Howard"!

Shanghaied Mitts: More Tales of Sea-Faring Boxing Champ Steve Costigan by Robert E. Howard (Humor/Adventure): Eleven more of Steve Costigans misadventures are chronicled, as he takes on all comers, including Mexican bandits, Chinese warlords, industrial spies, and con-artists. Includes an adventure for use with "The Violent Worlds of Robert E. Howard", or for stand-alone solo play.

The Deadly Sword of Cormac by Robert E. Howard (Historical Adventure/Fantasy): During the Third Crusades, there was a renegade Knight so fierce that he was feared by Moslems and Crusaders alike. His name was Cormac FiztGeoffrey. This book collects both novelletes that Howard wrote featuring Cormac.

Names in the Black Book: Three Nightmarish Mysteries by Robert E. Howard (Horror/Mystery): A trio of horror-drenched, hard-boiled detective mysteries.

White Fell and Other Stories by Clemence Housman and Robert E. Howard: Four off-beat horror stories that see lycanthropes clawing a bloody swath from the frozen wilds of Scandinavia, through the dark forests of central Europe, and to the sun-baked veldt of Africa.

ROLF!: Black Friday with Islamic Rage Boy and Pastor Jones

Here's a little ROLF! battle scenario and some characters in honor of the big shopping day here in the United States. You need a copy of "ROLF!: The Rollplaying Game of Big Dumb Fighters", or "The Violent Worlds of Robert E. Howard" to play it.

ROLF: Black Friday - A Scenario for 2 - 3 Players

BACKGROUND
It was Black Friday 2011, and all across America, people were the malls and the stores in search of great deals. Some are literally hitting the malls. And each other.

According to news reports, one of the outbreaks of violence happened at Lee's Music Store. Word spread that Lee was the only outlet to carry the legendary Christmas album recorded by Osama bin Laden; that he was selling it for just $1 each; and that he only had 100 copies. The first two parts of the rumor was true... but third part was not. Lee actually had 100,000 copies... he was selling the album as a Black Friday special, but then was going to serve as its exclusive U.S. distributor and place them in stores and mosque gift shops across the nation.

But the rumor was all that was needed to start a bloody riot outside the store. Among the rioters were Shakeel "Rage Boy" Bhat (who was in the United States to support the Occupy [Insert Random Open Space Here] Movement and lend his famous face and rage-filled antics to the protests) and Pastor Terry Jones (looking for something cheap and Islamic-related to burn at a rally to boost his election campaign for president of the United States).


PRE-GENERATED CHARACTERS

Shakeel "Rage Boy" Bhat (Male)
Brawn: 28; Body: 12; Brains: 6
Traits: Nimble
Combat Maneuvers: Basic Attack, Disarm, Disembowel, Kung Fu Face, Run Away!, Strike Pose.
Important Stuff Worn/Wielded: Sword (Average Melee Weapon. Deals 3 points of damage.), Koran (Small Melee Weapon. Deals 1 point of damage. Can also be used once as a Ranged Weapon that deals 1 point of damage.)

Terry "Pastor" Jones (Male)
Brawn: 25; Body: 10; Brains: 5
Traits: Egomaniac
Combat Maneuvers: Basic Attack, Debate Philosophy, Disarm, Disembowel, Run Away!.
Important Stuff Worn/Wielded: Flame-thrower (Large Ranged Weapon Weapon. Deals 5 points of damage. 3 shots.), Bible (Small Melee Weapon. Deals 1 point of damage. Can also be used once as a Ranged Weapon that deals 1 point of damage.)

Generic Black Friday Shopper (Male or Female)
Brawn: 10; Body: 10; Brains: 3
Traits: Egomaniac
Combat Maneuvers: Basic Attack, Castrate, Dodge.
Important Stuff Worn/Wielded: Pepper Spray (Small Ranged Weapon Weapon. Deals 2 points of damage, targeted character loses the attack action that would have followed if he doesn't make a successful ATT Body check.), Nine Iron (Medium Melee Weapon. Deals 3 point of damage.)

THE COMBAT SCENARIO

The scenario is intended for at least two players.

If used with two players, one gamer controls the Rage Boy, another controls the Pastor, and each has 2d6 Generic Black Friday Shoppers fighting "on their side," more or less. As the battle begins, the Rage Boy and the Paster are at Ranged distance from each other, with the Generic Shoppers between them.

To close to Melee, the Rage Boy and the Pastor must pass through the Generic Shoppers which will attack them. The groups of Generic Shoppers are also at Ranged distance from each other. The Rage Boy and the Pastor can stay at Ranged from each other by either not attempting to close the distance, or by using their Run Away! combat maneuvers. A successful ATT check means the character has backed away. However, they can also use Run Away! to counter each others attempts to stay at Ranged; in such a case, the character with the lowest ATT check wins and successfully closes... assuming they don't stop to fight Generic Shoppers. The Generic Shoppers can also be sent at either the Rage Boy or the Pastor. Closing from Ranged to Melee distance is a single action.

If used with three players, all the above applies, except the third player controls the Generic Shoppers and he sends them at whichever named character he chooses. There are 2d6 Generic Shoppers in play at the beginning of the combat. 1d6 additional join the fray until there are a maximum of 12 in the fight.

The battle continues until the Rage Boy or the Pastor are defeated. In the case of three players, the battle continues until either both the Rage Boy and the Pastor are defeated, or until one of them stands victorious over the other and all the Generic Shoppers.

(BTW... "ROLF!: Black Friday" is a work of fiction. Any similarity to real people, places, and events without satirical intent is purely coincidental. Copyright 2011 Steve Miller. All Rights Reserved. Although you're welcome to copy-and-paste the text if you feel like playing the scenario.)