The Staff of Steves - a magic item of great power and wonder!

Once upon a time, Steve Miller went to lunch with two luminaries from the gaming industry. While gnoshing on tasty vittles, one of them observed, "Everyone at this table is named Steve."

So was born the legendary League of Steves. (Or maybe the Stint of Steves, or Sleeve of Steves... a Facebook poll about what to call a gathering of Steves did not lead to a clear answer. But it did lead to the inspiration for the most brilliant magic item you are likely to ever to include in a campaign.)

The Staff of Steves

From an idea by Kairam Ahmed Hamdan & Bradley K. McDevitt. 

Design by Steve Miller. Copyright 2015 Steve Miller.

Text in this post is presented under the Open Game License and may be reproduced in accordance with it. 

The Staff of Steves is a powerful item that either comes into existence through a random convergence of supernatural circumstances, or is created by a secret cabal of artificers, drunken fairies, or... well, who knows how they come into being. Like the presence of Steves in the world, the Staff of Steves just is.

This Red Shirt will survive because he has a Staff of Steves.

The Staff of Steves takes many forms, but it is always a slender item, at least five feet in length... you know, a staff. It's specific appearance can be anything from an ornately carved oaken staff to a curtain rod. It has the following game effects:
* Acts as a +4 weapon for purposes of overcoming a target's damage resistance.
* Acts as a +2 staff for purposes of attack and damage rolls.
* Grants a +4 bonus to AC (or Defense Rating) when wielded by a character named Steve.
* Allows its wielder to cast Charm Person 3 times per day (6 times per day if wielded by a character named Steve).
* Allows its wielder to cast Create Food and Water 3 times per day (casts Feast if wielded by a character named Steve).
* Allows its wielder to cast Stinking Cloud 1 time per day (but only after Create Food and Water or Feast has been cast at least once).
* Allows its wielder to read sheet music with unfailing accuracy.
* Allows its wielder to summon a random number of Steves once per day. The Steves are all 3rd level Experts (or similar NPC class), with 15 hit points, armed with clubs or similar blunt objects (1d3 points of damage), and have one or more skills (+6 to the d20 skill check) that is helpful to the wielder. The remain with the wielder, defending and assisting in any way they can (cooking, cleaning, doing paperwork, performing rock music, running roleplaying game sessions, assassinating heads-of-state, boosting of ego) for three hours, until dismissed, or until slain. The number of Steves appearing is 1d6+2.
* It allows a *player* named Steve to have his character reroll 1d6 failed actions per game session. (Rolled at the beginning of the session, as soon as the dice come out. The result must be confirmed and recorded by the GM. If the Steve forgets to roll immediatey, this effect does not apply ).

Note: "Steve" can be male or female, as it can be short for Stephen, Steven, Stefano, Stefanie, Stephanie, and all other variants you can think of.

(If you were amused by the Staff of Steves, please consider supporting Steve (and NUELOW Games) by getting some of the OGL d20 items I've actually put some effort into. Some of them even work in straight games. Click here to see the listings at RPGNow.

Art pack featuring work by Paul Gattuso available now

If you purchased a copy of The Black Dwarf by Paul Gattuso (with Dana Dutch, Steve Miller & Rob Garrita) before 1800 PST on 9/9/2015, you should have gotten an email from NUELOW Games inviting you to download a copy of NUELOW Games Stock Art Collection: Paul Gattuso.

Rocketgirl vs Roc, by Paul Gattuso,
on the cover of NUELOW's latest art pack

However, roughly one-quarter of the purchasers have set their Onebookshelf accounts to disallow email. If you bought a copy of the book before the time mentioned above, and would like to claim your free art pack, contact us. We will try to work something out with you.

If you like, you can click here to learn more about the set. You can see previews under the "Quick Preview" and "Full-Size Preview" links.

The Brigade of the Righteous goes after the wrong eff'in targets. Again.

Last week, I made some comments about a particularly unpleasant roleplaying game supplement that was being offered for sale in an extremely hamfisted way. You can read that post here.

In the days since, some shortsighted publishers did show up to posture, but there were also numerous successful attempts at stirring up mobs of self-righteous gamers with virtual torches and pitchforks, in an effort to "make them pay" (as one delightful person put in at one blog) for DARING to publish something they didn't like/found offensive.

The Brigade of the Righteous. (Artist's Rendition)

As is almost always the case, these mobs consist mostly of morons who are offended third-hand--they are offended just to be offended, and they don't even have the slightest clue what it really is they're supposed to be offended over. (Otherwise, so many of them wouldn't be referring to Tournament of Rapists as a "rape game." And, as is almost always the case with self-righteous, ill-informed idiots, they are venting their rage at completely innocent bystanders.

These Brigades of the Righteous are calling for every pure-hearted soul to boycott the Onebookshelf sites (RPGNow, DriveThruRPG, DriveThruComics, DriveTruFiction, DriveThruCards, and the WargameVault), while they themselves are swearing blood-oaths and deleting their accounts on the sites so that they may forever be purged of evil. What these fuckwits don't seem to comprehend is that they are visiting their righteous revenge on HUNDREDS of independent publishers and THOUSANDS of writers and artist who had nothing to do with Tournament of Rapists.

NUELOW Games is strictly small-fry, but I actually rely on the income the sales generate to make ends meet. I also have half-a-dozen contributors to whom I pay (admittedly paltry sums of) royalties. They had nothing to do with Tournament of Rapists, nor did I. So why do the self-righteous Web Warriors feel the need to "make us pay"?

Deserving of boycott?

Hell, if the objective is to honor diversity and inclusion and punish the wicked, wicked misogynists, NUELOW Games can even be considered to be on their side. After all, we've produced the only complete collections of series written or drawn by some of the few women who were active in comics during the 1940s (Ginger and Snap, Complete Golden Age Oddballs: Angela & Miss Espionage). We've also produced the only complete collections of comics series starring strong female heroes (Iron Lady, Tara: Marauder of the Spacelanes, Warrior Maiden Starlight). And then there's Science Sleuths, the first three volumes of which starred a woman scientist/superhero, and a pair of characters who are not only strong women, whose adventures meet the Bechdel Test, and who are a same-sex couple. I think we checked almost every box on the Inclusivity Form with that one.

Deserving of boycott?

So... what exactly did my contributors and I do to the Brigades of Righteousness that they need to "make us pay"? Or are they just too dumb and wrapped up in the giddy feeling of outrage that they don't see they're hitting far more than the target of their anger?

Please don't let these calls for boycotts amount to anything. Take a look at what NUELOW Games has to offer and get yourself something good to read from RPGNow, DriveThruComics, or DriveThruFiction. If there's nothing you like from us, browse around. You're bound to find something... among the tens of thousands of offerings that aren't Tournament of Rapists.

UPDATE
Onebookshelf has announced a new policy for dealing with "offensive" content. I think it's a good one. You can read it here.

The Black Dwarf and his Gangbusting Gang

The never-before-revealed origin of the Black Dwarf and his cadre of crime-fighting semi-reformed criminals! (By Steve Miller, based on characters created by Paul Gattuso. Read more in The Black Dwarf from NUELOW Games.)

Art by Paul Gattuso.

In 1940, professional football player Peter "Shorty" Wilson was injured during a game and left unable to play. He retired and managed to turn his small nest egg into a large fortune with a series of successful investments With his new-found fortune Shorty became a target for grifters, gangsters, and thieves. As fearsome has he had been on the football field, Shorty was unequipped to deal with this new onslaught... and his new fortune was almost taken from him as soon as he gained it. Even his own accountant was stealing from him.

But one of the grifters came to his aid. Patricia "Arsenic" Gaynes originally entered Shorty's life looking only for his money, but his good humor and good heart soon made her fall in love with him. She revealed herself to him,  showed him all the ways he was being taken advantage of, and helped him bring several of the crooks to justice and recover as much of his money as possible.

One of the predators who had come after Shorty's fortune was not going to go away easily--Victor Spunetti, One of the city's most feared gangsters, Spunetti operated a number of illegal gambling parlors and other shady businesses. Shorty's accountant had been paying off gambling debts to Spunetti using Shorty's accounts, and he had further led the gangster to believe that Shorty was paying the mortgage on one of the gangster's buildings as an investment. When that stopped, the gangster came to meet Shorty and demand his money. Shorty, over Arsenic's warnings, beat him up and threw him into the street.

Spunetti vowed revenge against Shorty. To protect her love, Arsenic turned to some friends--cat-burglar Terry "The Fly" Holcomb and pickpocket Matthew "Dippy" Mason. She asked them to keep an eye on Spunetti and his key hoods and give her warnings if they were moving on Shorty--something they did gladly, since they had themselves been threatened by Spunetti's crew. Within days, the warning game that Spunetti had dispatched expert safe-cracker and reputed assassin Joseph "Nitro" Lemerise to rob the safe in Shorty's home. If Shorty also happened to get blown up in the process, Nitro would receive a huge bonus.

Shorty and Arsenic grabbed Nitro the moment he entered the apartment. The safe-cracker offered to help them deal with Spunetti if they would forget he tried to rob them. When asked why they should trust him, Nitro explained that he wasn't an assassin--and that anyone who thought he was was dredging up memories of an accident he'd rather forget. THOSE people, like Spunetti, he didn't mind blowing up,

A few nights later, Shorty, Arsenic, Nitro, and The Fly struck at Spunetti's fortified mansion. The Fly climbed the walls to an upper window and let them in through a side door. Arsenic distracted a guard, so Shorty and Nitro could get into Spunetti's office and break into his safe where the ledgers of his illegal businesses were kept. Before they managed to crack it, Arsenic and The Fly were captured by Spunetti. Shorty, desperate to rescue them, but knowing he was out-gunned, grabbed a blackout curtain from the office windows and a gaucho hat from a rack, put them on, and burst into room where Spunetti was about to torture Arscenic for information.

Shorty's bizarre appearance startled the assembled thugs to the point where Arsenic was able to snatch Spunetti's knife and use it to stab him, while Shorty gunned down the rest of the gangsters. As they prepared to flee the scene, the sole surviving gangster asked, "Who are you?" of Shorty.

"I am the one who's going to put an end to all crooks and racketeers in this city," Shorty replied. "Tell your gutter-scum friends that the Black Dwarf is coming for them."

Safely back in Shorty's apartment, Arsenic asked where the "Black Dwarf gag" had come from. Shorty replied that it was just a spur of the moment thing, but that maybe it was worth pursuing. For all of them.

"If you three go straight," he said, "together we can go good for the law-abiding citizens of this town. We can use your knowledge of the underworld to bring it down. In the process, you can make more money than you could if you continued being crooks: Everyone gangster we bring down will have a bankroll that we'll skim part of that you can split. How does that sound?"

"For love or money, darling," Arsenic said, "I'm in."

"I'm okay with just the money," The Fly said, with a broad grin. Dippy nodded in agreement.

"We'll need a hide-out that can't be traced back to your lovely home, boss," Nitro stated. "I know just the joint..."

--
The Black Dwarf is available at RPGNow and DriveThruComics. It collects six tales with art by the character's creator--Paul Gattuso. It contains the selection of RPG material you've come to expect from our releases. Meanwhile, here are ROLF! stats for Shorty and his pals.

Art by Paul Gattuso

THE BLACK DWARF (Male)
aka Peter "Shorty" Wilson
Brawn 22, Body 15 (includes +1 Hat Bonus), Brains 7
  Traits: Honorable, Martial Artist, Nimble
  Combat Maneuvers: Basic Attack, Dodge, Double Tap, Kung Fu Face, Murderous Mitts, Run Away!, Sure Shot, Withering Insult
  Important Stuff Worn/Wielded: Two Automatic Pistols (Medium Weapon, both fire simultaneously. Deals 4 points of damage that ignore armor.) Black Gaucho Hat (+1 Body when worn). Black Cassock and Cape (Superhero Outfit, armor, absorbs up to 2 points of damage).

ARSENIC (Female)
aka Patricia Gaynes
Brawn 17, Body 17, Brains 6
  Traits: Dead-Eye, Improv Master, Nimble
  Combat Maneuvers: Basic Attack, Castrate, Disarm, Run Away!, Seduce, Strike Pose, Sure Shot
  Important Stuff Worn/Wielded: Fashionable Clutch (Purse, Small Melee Weapon, deals 1 point of damage). Pistol (Small Weapon, deals 2 points of damage that ignore armor). Slinky Dress (Clothes).

DIPPY (Male)
aka Matthew Mason
Brawn 16 (includes +1 Hat Bonus), Body 15, Brains 5
   Traits: Nimble
   Combat Maneuvers: Basic Attack, Knock Out, Snatch Weapon, The Walk, Walk and Chew Gum
   Important Stuff Worn/Wielded: Sap (Small Melee Weapon, deals 1 point of damage that ignores armor. If used at the beginning of the ABBA sequence, a struck character must make a successful ATT Brawn check or be knocked unconscious.) Fedora (+1 to Brawn when worn)

NITRO (Male)
aka Joseph Lemerise
Brawn 13, Body 11, Brains 5
   Traits: Coldhearted, Dead-Eye
   Combat Maneuvers: Basic Attack, Disembowel, Double Strike, Run Away!, Signature Move
   Important Stuff Worn/Wielded: Knife (Small Melee Weapon, deals 1 point of damage). Mini-bombs (Ranged OR Melee Weapon, deals 5 points of damage that ignore armor to all characters within Melee Range of where the bomb goes off).

THE FLY (Male)
aka Terry Holcomb
Brawn 18, Body 13, Brains 5
   Traits: Improv Master, Nimble
   Combat Maneuvers: Backflip, Basic Attack, Climb the Walls, Dodge, Run Away!
   Important Stuff Worn/Wielded: Nothing.

I'm not easily shocked, but... holy hell!

Some of you may remember my commentaries on the #Gamergate: The Card Game mini-controversy. (If not, you can read them here.)

As you read this, the morally upstanding publishers who threatened to yank their products from Onebookshelf sites must have fired off emails to everyone at the firm, even more purple-faced with rage and indignation. Because, surely, a straight-faced roleplaying game sourcebook about an extreme fighting tournament centered on raping the opponent is something they'd far less want to be associated with than a satirical card game?

I am talking about Tournament of Rapists, the latest release from Skortched Urf Studios/Otherverse Games.

... wait? What?!

I first saw hints about this OGL d20 System supplement via vague posts in my Facebook feed about an hugely offensive new release on the Onebookshelf sites. No one was linking to it, so I went looking at DriveThruFiction (since that was the only site that links were being provided to. But I couldn't find any new releases out of the ordinary--some things that *I* wouldn't have published and that *I* wouldn't have bought were there, but nothing worse than dozens of other similarly themed "adult" products that are released on a monthly basis.

And then a post by Erik Tenkar (of the "Tenkar's Tavern" blog) came into my Facebook feed. It was about the product Whose Name People Dared Not Mention: Tournament of Rapists.

Holy hell. My first reaction to the sparse sales text was, "Well... it's a shocking title, but I guess it's a good subject for an adventure that revolves around crushing, killing, and otherwise bringing to justice the evil monsters involved with such a fighting ring."

Then, once the "wait... WHAT?!" reaction subsided, I looked at the sales blurb again. Tournament of Rapists is not an adventure. It's a source book. And it doesn't appear to be source book about a monstrous group that exists expressly to be destroyed, but one on an activity that player characters can be part of, in an affirmative sense.

We thought we were risque

Holy hell. When we here at NUELOW threw "adult feats" on this blog as a gag, we giggled like the immature people we are. When Hundal proposed we put them and other content in a little product titled Modern Basics: Feats of an Adult Nature poking fun at people who think sexuality needs to be front and center in RPGs, as well as at publishers who make it a marketing point, I worried that maybe it was too risque and possibly more offensive than funny.

Compared to Tournament of Rapists, our little booklet looks more harmless than a Family Circus or Dilbert cartoon. Even our straight-faced releases that touch on sexual themes in gaming (like Devils in Petticoats and Modern Basics: Feats of Seduction and Subterfuge) are basically PG or PG-13... as opposed to what appears to be a hard R or NC-17 with the Skorched Urf book.

I don't understand the appeal of a game source book themed around sexual violence. I can't imagine conceiving, writing, or publishing such a thing. The most monstrous of villains in my games are the ones who molest and rape victims--they are targets for player characters to arrest or kill.

But will they let her compete?

Now, I am admittedly making at these comments and judgments about Tournament of Rapists from a position of ignorance. For all I know, the book is slanted in a way that makes it impossible for PCs to join in the "fun" of Ultimate Rape Fighting. I have not read the book, nor have I looked at any of the setting material it expands upon--a place called Dark Tokyo. (Someone out there is more than welcome to set me straight if I'm making incorrect assumptions.)

Well... over the next few days, we'll be seeing all sorts of posturing and threats coming from morally outraged publishers. Unless... they really were motivated in their crusade against #GamerGate: The Card Game by far baser impulses than just the desire to play Morality Police?

As far as the apparent target audience for Tournament of Rapists? I am worried they might have taken offense over the things I've published that make fun of their desire to have sex front and center in their games. Please don't rape me.

Rick Astley... it's how we roll!

There has been a lack of Rick Astley-based RPG material. That changes NOW, as NUELOW Games presents the Man Himself as seen through the lens of the ROLF! rollplaying game, as well as a talent tree for OGL d20 Modern that was inspired by his mighty presence.



RICK ASTLEY ALA ROLF!
Now you can have Rick roll characters in ROLF! Battle Scenarios of your own creation!

RICK ASTLEY (Male)
Brawn 12, Body 16, Brains 7
   Traits: Great Hair, Improv Master, Irrepressible Optimist, Nimble
   Battle Maneuvers: Basic Attack, Dancing Machine, Disarm, Signature Move, Seduce, Strike Pose, Yodel
Important Stuff Worn/Wielded: Brown Trenchcoat (armor, absorbs up to 1 point of damage). Turtleneck Sweater (clothes).

New Trait
Great Hair: Provides a -1 to all Seduce ATT checks, added after any other bonuses or penalties have been applied. (Only applicable if the character isn't wearing a Hat.)

The Rick Astley Talent Tree 

For OGL d20 Modern. Presented under the Open Game License. 

(Copyright ©2015 Steve Miller)

 Charismatic Heroes, Dedicated Heroes, and Fast Heroes may select talents from this tree. They are also available to any character who possesses any one Minor Power feat (defined here, as part of the NUELOW Games OGL Superpowers System).

   Never Gonna Give You Up, Never Gonna Let You Down: +4 bonus to all Bluff skill checks and Will saves that involve keeping the secrets of allied characters. When attempting to aid another with a skill check, if you roll a 10 or higher on your check, the character you're helping gets a +4 bonus on his or her check; if you roll a 15 or higher, he or she gets a +8 bonus to his or her check.
   Never Gonna Run Around and Desert You: Whenever you are within 10 ft. of an ally, you gain a+6 bonus to saving throws to resist all Charm and Fear effects--even if one would normally not be allowed--and you have a +4 bonus on rolls to resist the Intimidate skill.
    Never Gonna Make You Cry, Never Gonna Say Goodbye: Your allies gain a +4 bonus to all Morale checks when within 10 feet of you. If you are dropped below -10 hit points through any means, you may roll a Fort save (DC18) to be restored to exactly 0 hit points. If the source of the damage is ongoing, you may continue making these rolls until you are rescued. If you fail the Fort save and die, you immediately gain the Disembodied template.
   Never Gonna Tell a Lie or Hurt You: Like the Never Gonna Run around and Desert You talent, except you have complete immunity to Fear and Charm effects when within 10 feet of an ally, and the bonus to resist Intimidate skill checks increases to +8.
   Prerequisite: Never Gonna Run around and Desert You



(Never fear... it's the actual song. We rather like it here at NUELOW Central.)

And here's a link to an "RPG Battle Music" arrangement of Rick's timeless masterpiece....

The Return of the Sorceress!

The multiverse's most dangerous femme fatale, the fearsome Sorceress of Zoom, is back in the latest comics/RPG hybrid book from NUELOW Games... and she's set her sight on the magical treasures of Earth!

Art by Bradley K. McDevitt & Harry Lucey

The Sorceress of Zoom: Down to Earth features five strange comics adventures that present equal portions of fantasy, suspense, and film noir-style action, as the Sorceress sets out to force her will on Earth. Even more exciting, however, are the all-new RPG rules that will allow gamers to unlock the full multi-genre potential of the OGL d20 System--feats and a talent tree that will let them move effortlessly from one world to the next! The book also includes game rules for the artifacts that gives the Sorceress control over the City of Zoom, so now enterprising heroes can take it from her, if they are cunning enough!

The Sorceress of Zoom: Down to Earth is available at RPGNow, DriveThruComics, and DriveThruRPG. Get your copy before the Sorceress discovers we're revealing her biggest secrets!

It only comes once a year! Get your Bill Clinton Birthday Box!

August 19th is Bill Clinton's birthday, and YOU get the present! And this is an extra special birthday... because he's turning 69! SCHWIING!

Celebrate the birthday of America's 42nd president with a bundle of ROLF! scenarios detailing his amazing adventures with his wife Hilary and his arch-nemesis Anthony Weiner! Sitting US president Barack Obama also makes a special guest appearance -- meaning you can use this material to create battle scenarios starring both of America's First Black Presidents!

Click here to get your copy of the Bill Clinton Birthday Box! It won''t be around for long, so don't hesitate! If you don't get it now, you'll have to wait another year for the deal!

As a special treat, we're adding two of Clinton's pals which have been left out of the official products in this post. (Maybe we'll get around to adding them to an official ROLF! release by Bill's next birthday!)

AL GORE (Male)
Brawn 27, Body 12, Brains 5
  Traits: Egomaniac, Holier Than Thou, Limousine Liberal
  Combat Maneuvers: Basic Attack, Debate Philosophy, Dodge, Double Strike, Run Away!
Important Stuff Worn/Wielded: Global Warming Report (Melee Weapon, deals 2 points of damage).

MONICA LEWINSKY (Female)
Brawn 19, Body 15, Brains 4
  Traits: Nimble
  Combat Maneuvers: Basic Attack, Castrate, Seduce, Strike Pose
Important Stuff Worn/Wielded: Bottle of Mouthwash (Melee Weapon, deals 1 point of damage).

R.E.A.L. Genius

There's a guy out there who launched a protest against a recent staging of "The Producers," because he believes it uses Hitler and Nazis as sources of laughter and amusement. You can read about his efforts here.

That is not a satirical article at a satirical site. Jeffrey Imm and his group are quite real (or R.E.A.L, if you will.) and his protest against "The Producers" is just as real. Never mind that every word he writes or speaks on the subject shows that he has absolutely no idea what goes on in the storyline, nor what roll Hitler and Nazis play in it. That is obvious than in his blog post where he called for the protest, and says things like, "The folly of tolerating or dismissing Adolf Hitler’s legacy of 'racial purity' hate has led to yet more American deaths" and "We need you to urge them to end the scenes in the Olney Theatre presentation about Adolf Hitler and the twisted “comedy” of 'Springtime for Hitler.'"

"The Producers" stage musical is based on the 1968 film by Mel Brooks. Here's a sample from that original film. This is probably the number that has Imm all worked up.




Or maybe this one (which is a clip from the movie based on the musical based on The Producers). It would probably follow the above clip, if there really was a musical titled "Springtime for Hitler."




Of course, I may be giving him too much credit. He may not even have seen those clips.

Where Imm shows his ignorance most clearly is that "Springtime for Hitler" does NOT equal "The Producers." It's role in the story is to not make light of Nazi atrocities, nor to "normalize" Nazi symbols... it's role is to be the worst play ever staged. In fact, nothing in The Producers movie and "The Producers" musical tolerates or dismisses Hitler's legacy of hate, as Imm likes to pretend; if anything, it dismisses those who would respect it by showing them to be fools and lunatics.

The good news is that almost no one responded to Imm's calls for protests. Reportedly, he was a one-man outrage brigade outside the Maryland theatre putting on the play that was the target of his ire. His attempt to rally people to his cause was a complete failure... and it may even have sold some extra tickets as these things often have the opposite effect than what those organizing them hope for. Especially when they're coming from a position of ignorance like Imm.

That got us thinking here at NUELOW Games. If Imm can generate free publicity for a production of "The Producers," maybe he can do the same for us! It's understandable, given his ignorance regarding  the actual content an award-winning classic that's been around since 1968, that he wouldn't have heard of us, nor the fact that we've used Hitler in several releases.

If someone would be so kind so as to call Imm and R.E.A.L.'s attention to ROLF!: The Death of Adolf Hiter (in which a time-traveling Chuck Norris takes on Nazi super-soldiers and the Big A himself) and ROLF!: Dead Presidents (in which Abraham Lincoln and John F. Kennedy team up to thwart Kim Jong Il and Adolf Hitler in the afterlife) Each is just as worthy of their ire as "The Producers"--perhaps even more-so, since a gamer has to assume control of Hitler during the battle scenarios.

(Oh! Hitler is also featured in Complete Golden Age Oddballs: Kismet & Penny Parker! We are terrible, TERRIBLE people here at NUELOW Games.

Featuring HITLER!

Featuring HITLER!

Featuring HITLER!

Someone also needs to call Imm and R.E.A.L.'s attention to other NUELOW Games outrages. While trying to explain why protesting "The Producers" is right and proper, Imm stated, "It would be no more funny if somebody did a comedy with a play that’s not going to work because it’s about Osama bin Laden."

Well... Imm might not find Osama bin Laden funny, but we do--or at least we find him a more-than-deserving target of mockery and contempt. We've mocked him and his fellow psychopaths in ROLF!: The Death of Osama bin Laden, ROLF!: The Breast Hope for Peace, and ROLF!: Bill Clinton and the Secret City of Women. We also probably used him in some other battle scenarios we're not remembering at the moment--evil bastards like bin Laden and his followers and admirers should be mocked frequently and without mercy or reserve as far as we're concerned.

But Jeffrey Imm and R.E.A.L. disagree. We deserve the brunt of their wrath, because we've been very VERY bad (and we hunger for free publicity!)

And while we're at it, here are ROLF! stats for Mr. Imm and one of the R.E.A.L. supporters who might come out to protest "The Producers."

Jeffrey Imm of R.E.A.L.

JEFFREY IMM (Male)
Brawn 18, Body 13, Brains 5
   Traits: Dour, Improv Master
   Combat Maneuvers: Basic Attack, Debate Philosophy, Disarm, Dodge, Strike Pose
   Important Stuff Worn/Wielded: Protest Sign (Armor, absorbs up to 2 points of damage).

R.E.A.L. Member (Male or Female)
Brawn 10, Body 12, Brains 3
   Traits: Dour
  Combat Maneuvers: Basic Attack, Run Away!, Strategic Bleeding
   Important Stuff Worn/Wielded: Protest Sign (Large Melee Weapon, deals 3 points of damage).

(Sadly, some of the causes Jeffrey Imm and R.E.A.L. have made a ruckus about are actually worth protesting over--I know this because I probably spent more time looking into Imm and R.E.A.L. than he did on "The Producers." I wonder if he recently took a blow to the head or something.)

Random Illness/Disability Generator (using a deck of cards)

While engaging in a purely mechanical and utterly boring task, the following addendum to a character creation system came to mind. This is raw, untested, and pretty much as it popped into my head. It is geared for d20 System games--such as Pathfinder, d20 Star Wars, or NUELOW Games favorite OGL d20 Modern--but it is easily applicable to any system that has analogies to the d20 System attributes and saving throw mechanics, Basically, it's a system for generating disabilities and mental illnesses for characters.

Maybe one of the NUELOW crew will think of something we can do with this. Maybe YOU can think of something we can do with this--and if you do, don't hesitate to get in touch! Meanwhile, however, this is released under the Open Game License. Copyright 2015 Steve Miller.

RANDOM OGL DISABILITY/ILLNESS GENERATOR 

(using a deck of cards)

Generation System
1. Draw Three Cards. Discard any Aces or Jokers.
2. Determine the character's illness/disability by comparing the suits of the cards to the lists below. If the cards drawn are of different suits, the character suffers from all the illnesses/disabilities indicated by the cards. (See "Face Cards" for some special conditions, however.)

Face Cards
If one is a face card, your character has Multiple Personality Disorder; the sex of the card determines if the personality is male or female. If you drew one or more number cards of the same suit as the face card, the number on those cards determine how many multiple personalities you have. If multiple face cards are drawn, discard any Jacks or Queens first, then draw another card.
Otherwise, the suit of cards drawn determine the illness(es) your character suffers from.

Clubs
   Odd -- Sadist... your character enjoys hurting other loving things. (+1 to attack rolls and damage, -4 to all Charisma-based skill checks and attribute rolls).
   Even -- Over-sensitive... your character is so concerned with hurting others (especially their feelings) that it's debilitating (-2 to all attack and damage rolls, +2 to all Charisma-based skill checks and attribute rolls).

Diamonds
   Odd -- Bleeder... your character is easily injured and heals slowly. (+1 point to any and all damage suffered. -1 point to natural recovery).
   Even -- Arthritic... your character's joints are still and it's painful to move sometimes. (-2 to all Dexterity-based skill checks and attribute rolls, -1 to Reflex saves.)

Hearts
   Odd--Weak Constitution... your character has overall poor health. (-2 to all Strength- and Constitution-based skill checks and attribute rolls. -1 to Fort saves.)
   Even--Egomaniac... your character is over-confident. (+2 to all Charisma-based skill checks and attribute rolls, -4 to all Wisdom-based skill checks and attribute rolls.)

Spades
   Odd--Weak Hearing... your character suffers a penalty to all Listen skill checks, Move Silently skill checks, and checks for Surprise equal to one-half the numeric value of the card, rounded up.
   Even--Weak Eyesight... your character suffers a penalty to ranged attacks, Search skill checks and Spot skill check equal to one-half the numeric value of the card.

Join us for the last ride with Robert E. Howard

When NUELOW Games came back to full life in 2011, one of the long-term projects we formulated involved a series of anthologies throwing the spotlight on the under-appreciated and widely ignored non-fantasy writings of Robert E. Howard. Initially, it was just going to be his historical fiction and the best of his horror stories. However, as we dug deeper into his body of work, we decided to add collections of the Sailor Steve Costigan and Breckinridge Elkins stories to line-up.

The final entry in our series of anthologies was always planned to be The Last Ride, a collection of two novellas that saw print in the months after Howard's suicide in June of 1936. They, together with the El Borak stories we collected in Oriental Stories Vol 3: A Texan in Afghanistan, and the horror stories in Shadows over Texas, show readers the direction in which he was headed creatively. All signs point to Howard moving in a direction of more mainstream literature, a direction that would have seen him leave the pulps behind. If he had lived, maybe we'd be discussing Howard as one of the great Regional or Southern Gothic writers instead of "the creator of Conan." Heck, maybe we'd be talking about the Southwestern Gothic literary subgenre?

Art by Rocco Mastroserio 

Regardless of what could have been, The Last Ride represents the end for Howard, and the end of our anthology series. It brings our project to an end on a high note, with stories that Howard probably would have far preferred to be remembered for than the Conan and Solomon Kane tales. We hope that some of you reading this found some new favorite Howard stories over the past few years... and we hope you'll come with us as we reach the end of the trail.

Click here to see previews of The Last Ride, or to get your own copy.

By the way, while this may be the end of the Robert E. Howard Collection Project, it doesn't mean that NUELOW Games is completely done with Howard's writings and characters; we love them too much for that. There are numerous smaller projects (similar to, for example, The Sheik, The Conquests of Wild Bill Clanton, and the Talk Like a Pirate Day Special) that we are planning to do. Our hope to call attention to the fact that Robert E. Howard's body of work is so much greater than Conan doesn't end just because the project has.

Totally Unauthorized -- ROLF!: The Dukes of Hazzard

Pre-Generated Characters based on "The Dukes of Hazzard" television series (1979 - 1985). Vehicle rules for ROLF! can be found in this free download.

THE CHARACTERS
BO DUKE (Male)
Brawn 23, Body 13, Brains 5
Traits: Driver, Irrepressible Optimist
Combat Maneuvers: Basic Attack, Dodge, Murderous Mitts, Run Away!, Seduce,
Important Stuff Worn/Wielded: Wrench (Small Melee Weapon, deals 2 points of damage). Drives the General Lee.

BOSS HOGG (Male)
Brawn 20, Body 9 (includes +1 Hat Bonus), Brains 6
Traits: Coldhearted, Short-tempered
Combat Maneuvers: Basic Attack, Disarm. Double-Strike, Eat Lunch, Seduce, Walk and Chew Gum
Important Stuff Worn/Wielded. White Stetson Hat (+1 to Body when worn). White Suit (clothes). Big Cigar (One-shot Melee Weapon, deals 1 point of damage).

DAISY DUKE (Female)
Brawn 21, Body 15, Brains 5
Traits: Driver, Improv Master, Irrepressible Optimist
Combat Maneuvers: Basic Attack, Dodge, Strike Pose, Seduce, Yodel
Important Stuff Worn/Wielded: Tiny Cut-off Shorts (Clothes, barely covers nakedness). Drives the Dixie.

LUCAS "LUKE" DUKE (Male)
Brawn 25, Body 12, Brains 6
Traits: Dead Eye, Improv Master, Sense of Honor
Combat Maneuvers: Basic Attack, Disarm, Knock Out, Murderous Mitts, Run Away!, Signature Move
Important Stuff Worn/Wielded: Compound Bow with Explosive Arrows (Large Ranged Weapon, deals 5 points of damage that ignore armor). Rides in the General Lee (with Bo Duke)



SHERIFF COLTRANE (Male)
Brawn 20, Body 11, Brains 3
Traits: Cowardly, Driver
Combat Maneuvers: Basic Attack, Dodge, Disarm, Run Away!
Important Stuff Worn/Wielded: Pistol (Medium Ranged Weapon, deals 3 points of damage that ignores armor), Drives a Police Cruiser.

UNCLE JESSE (Male)
Brawn 18, Body 10, Brains 5
Traits: Improv Master, Old
Combat Maneuvers: Basic Attack, Disarm, Dodge, Run Away!
Important Stuff Worn/Wielded: Coveralls (Armor, absorbs 1 point of damage). Shotgun (Ranged Weapon, deals 3 points of damage that ignore armor).

THE CARS
POLICE CRUISER (Automobile)
Body 19, Speed 7, Maneuverability 3. Weapon: None

THE DIXIE (Automobile)
Body 18, Speed 7, Maneuverability 5. Weapon: None

 THE GENERAL LEE (Automobile)
Body 25, Speed 7, Maneuverability 4, Weapon: None

ROLF! Stats for THE LORD!

Jesus Christ has been a recurring pre-generated character in the ROLF! game line (appearing in Jesus vs. Santa vs. Santos, Night of the Easter Bunny, and elsewhere), but we've never provided stats for his Dad.

We fix that oversight today.

"I'd introduce myself, but that might be taking MY  name in vain."

GOD (aka Yahoo-Wahoo [Cartoon History of the Universe Reference]) 
Brawn 40, Body 20, Brains 12
   Attributes: Dour, God, Holier Than Thou, Improv Master, Inventor, Same Sex Preference
   Combat Maneuvers: Whatever He Wants, including Spellings. (He's the LORD!)
   Important Stuff Worn/Wielded: The Burning Bush (Armor AND weapon, absorbs up to 20 points of damage, deals 5 points of damage that ignore armor to all within melee range each round) OR Snazzy White Beard (Armor, absorbs 2 points of damage) and Fashionable Robes (Armor, absorbs 2 points of damage).
  Special: By taking no other action in a round, GOD can ask other fighters to bow down in his honor. Those who do, immediately gain the Agent of the Divine trait. Those who refuse are immediately destroyed at the beginning of the next round and removed from the battle. GOD then says, "Well... shit. I may have overreacted just a little bit there. Here. Let me show you this pretty rainbow. It's both my apology and my promise that I won't ever pitch a fit like that again. I hope. I have some anger issues, but I'm working through them. I swear to... um. ME.)
   Extra Special: GOD can change HIS sex from Male to Female by using one of HIS actions in a round. HE then becomes SHE until SHE changes sex again. HIS beard is replaced by an elaborate, gem-encrusted necklace that's so large it covers HER breasts (sort of...but it is armor that absorbs up to 2 points of damage).

With GOD appearing here on the blog, this is considered official content for ROLF!: The Rollplaying Game of Big Dumb Fighters. Feel free unleash HIM on your unsuspecting players.

NUELOW Stock Art Collection #8 is now available!

Art by Bob Forgione

If you're looking for high-quality, horror-themed artwork for your website or publishing project, you might find something to fill that need in NUELOW Stock Art Collection #8: Killers and Cultists. The set features blood-chilling illustrations from Lee Elias, Jack Sparling, Matt Baker, Steve Ditko and many other great talents!

As with most of our art packs, the included illustrations have been adapted from the covers and interiors of comics from the 1940s and 1950s that have slipped into the public domain. The license included with your purchase grants you nearly completely unfettered use of these derivative works.

Click here to see a preview of the index booklet included with the set (under quick preview) and to read the text of the license (under full preview). As always, if you use any of the artwork we provide in a project, be sure to let us know! We'll give you a plug either here on the blog or on our Facebook page.

NUELOW Stock Art Collection #8: Killers and Cultists is available at DriveThruComics, DriveThruRPG, and RPGNow.

Now Available--'Complete Golden Age Oddballs: Major Victory & Yankee Girl'!

Leave it to us geniuses at NUELOW Games forget to mention our Fourth of July release on our very own blog!

Art by Charles Sultan & Ralph Mayo

Just in time for America's Independence Day, we published the completely patriotic Complete Golden Age Oddballs: Major Victory & Yankee Girl.

This fifth entry in the Complete Golden Age Oddballs puts the spotlight on two great characters from the production studio of comic book industry pioneer Harry "A" Chesler. It includes every one of the original stories (illustrated by great talents like Ralph Mayo, Al Plastino, Ralph Mayo, and Charles Sultan) and covers featuring the characters. It also includes all-new material for ROLF!: The Rollplaying Game of Big, Dumb Fighters and OGL d20 Modern.

Click here to see previews, or to purchase your own copy, of this totally patriotic collection of classic comics at DriveThruComics. You can also get it at RPGNow or DriveThruRPG.

For additional previews of the book, click here to visit our sister blog Shades of Gray.

A Random ROLF! Character

I'm not even doing a Battle Scenario for this one... but maybe she can form the heart of something down the road. (There are lots of little tidbits like this scattered all over this blog. Every so often, either L.L. Hundal or I rediscover them, and they show up in a product.)

As for backgrounds.. here are a couple:

1. Maddie the Hatter is a time- and dimension traveling assassin. No one knows how she does it, but she always find her target, no matter when or where they might be.

2. Maddie was on her way to a costume party when the Martians invaded and conquored Earth. She comes from a long line of mystics, and she has turned to using her magical powers to fight the invaders while comforting and healing her fellow freedom fighters.

MADDIE THE HATTER (Female)

Brawn 20 (includes +1 Hat bonus), Body 15, Brains 6
   Traits: Coldblooded, Improv Master, Same-Sex Preference
   Combat Maneuvers: Basic Attack, Dodge, Furious Fists, Run Away!, Spelling (Good Touch), Strike Pose
   Important Stuff Worn/Wielded: Big-ass Hat (Hat, provides +1 bonus to Brawn when worn). Cute Jacket and Mini-Skirt (Clothes). Thigh-high Boots (Armor AND Leggings, absorbs up to 1 point of damage).

All the traits and combat maneuvers not included in the basic ROLF!: The Rollplaying Game rulebook used to make Maddie will be included in the forthcoming Relentlessly Gay mega-supplement.

It's that time of year again!

What time of year, do you ask? Well. the Holy Month of Ramadan!

The Holy Month of Ramadan is about half gone at this point--it ends at sundown on July 17--so we're bringing back the RAMADAN COLLECTION! After all, ROLF! and ROLF! supplements are great ways to get together and spend time with friends! And the historical fiction from Robert E. Howard is a nice way to take a break from studying the Koran. That goes double for the comics starring the first-ever Muslim superhero.

The bundle includes the ROLF! basic game, two collections of Robert E. Howard novellas, the complete adventures of Kismet the Man of Fate, and four rollicking ROLF! battle scenarios. And you'll get it all at more than half off what it would cost you to buy each book separately.

Everyone at NUELOW Games (all two of us) wish all Muslims a happy, introspective, and peaceful Ramadan with their friends and family. Except those who support or say nice things about ISIS, al-Qeada, and  Al-Shabbab. We hope those people get porcupines shoved up the ass sideways and die.

But to everyone else--happy Ramadan! And please click here to get your NUELOW Games Ramadan Collection Bundle!

Disembodied: For the character who won't call it quits

This character template is designed to reflect the way spirits are handled in most comic books, movies, and fiction, as opposed to the standard OGL d20 and OGL Modern games. It will be further fleshed out with a couple feats and a talent tree in a future post.

   (For the record, the primary characters being modeled here are DC Comics' Deadman and Holyoke/Gerona's Duke of Darkness.)

   It, and related material, is fully compatible with the superpower rules and alternate magic systems presented in NUELOW Games books like Madden's Boys, Mystery Woman of the Jungle, and The Curse of Egypt.
   All text is this post is released under the Open Game License and may be reproduced in accordance with it. Copyright 2015 Steve Miller.

Click here for more art by Rhaokja

DISEMBODIED TEMPLATE

Death isn't the end for this character's fight. Whether through divine or demonic intervention, or pure stubborness, the character's bodiless spirit remains in the world, continuing to pursue the goals it had in life.

   To acquire this template, the character must die--drop below -10 hp, or whatever threshold for character death is used in the campaign in question. The character is then modified as follows:

   Size and Type: Size technically remains the same as base creature, but there is nothing present but formless, substanceless spiritual energy. Creature type changes to Spirit. The character is neither undead nor living, but exists in an in-between state.

   Hit Dice: As base creature. (Hit points are generally meaningless for the Disembodied, but there are certain talents they can gain where they matter, so they should still be kept track of as the character gains levels.)

   Speed: As base creature.

   Armor Class/Defense Rating: As base creature, but the character is impervious to harm from all sources and weapons, save those coming from gods or certain rare and powerful artifacts.

   Attack/Full Attack Bonus: As base creature.

   Special Attacks: Disembodied characters can perform the following attacks with a full round action.

        Possess (Su): Take control of a living body. The Disembodied must make a successful touch attack. The targeted host receives a Will save vs. the Disembodied character's Wisdom attribute + 5. If the Disembodied successfully takes over the target, he or she now has full control of his or her body. The target's Strength, Constitution scores are unchanged, but the Intelligence and Wisdom scores are those of the Disembodied, as are all class- and level-dependent abilities. The Dexterity score becomes half of the combined Dexterity score of the target and the Disembodied's Dexterity score in life. The Charisma scores becomes half of the combined Charisma score of the target and the Disembodied. None of the target's class abilities, skills, feats, or knowledge is available to the Disembodied. 

   Only one Disembodied can possess a living being at a time. If a second Disembodied attempts to possess someone that is already "host" to a disembodied, it will seem as if an invisible wall is keeping the second Disembodied from entering the target.

   If the possessed body takes damage, the Disembodied must roll a Will save (DC15+damage suffered) or be ejected. If a host dies while the Disembodied is possessing him or her, the Disembodied must roll a Will save (DC30) or suffer the fate of death (permanent this time) as well.

   The Disembodied can end a possession at will, with a standard action.

   A character that is "host" to a Disembodied has no recollection of events while possessed.

   Special Qualities: Disembodied characters have the following special qualities

        Formless (Su): The Disembodied exist as pure psychic/spiritual energy. They may appear to     themselves as they did in life, but they have no actual form or substance. No barriers in the physical world can prevent entry, except those specifically prepared with magical rituals that ward off spirits.

        Invisible (Su): The character cannot be seen by any means, except by creatures who can see spirits, such as gods and cats.

        Damage Reduction (Su): All damage suffered by a Disembodied is reduced to 0, except for very specific and powerful artifacts, or spells and weapons wielded by gods.

   Abilities: The Disembodied has no Strength, Dexterity, or Constitution scores. However, there are some situations where the physical attributes that the Disembodied had in life can matter--such as the Dexterity score when possessing one of the living--so the old character sheet should still be retained. 

   Skills: All skills are retained and may be improved according to class and level advancement.

   Feats and Talent Trees: All feats and talents are retained. This template gives access to the Disembodied Spirit talent tree and feat.

   Terrain: Any, usually same as base creature.

   Organization/Allegience: Solitary/Same as base creature

   Challenge Rating: Same as base creature +2

   Advancement: By character class.

   

  

   Click here for Part Two of the "Disembodied" rules.

The Final Countdown! (Is the world gonna end THIS time?!)

I saw a headline today that read "Scientists Say Mass-Extinction Event Has Begun,"

Well, between that, global warming, super-viruses, and the ever-expanding clown-show that makes up those running for President of the United States of America, maybe history is finally coming to close. It seems like the perfect time to dust off this song--"The Final Countdown."

(This is a really interesting cover by Van Canto. Far more interesting than original tune... and just the sort of thing to listen to while staring down the end of the world.)




And, since the world is coming to and end (for SURE this time... none of this Mayan Calendar bullcrap like back in 2012... after all, we've all heard that THE SCIENCE IS SETTLED in regards to global warming... and now the Pope himself has added Climate Change to line-up of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse; the quartet is now officially a quintet!), it's now the perfect time to get the Complete Final Battles Bundle! This collection of epic battle scenarios will let you and your friends go out gaming (and laughing and rollplaying). Get these 12 classic ROLF! products from RPGNow or DriveThruRPG before it's too late!

Display cover image for The Complete Final Battles for ROLF!